A Lovely British Horror Film

Staring: Jamie Bell, Ruaidhri Conroy, Laurence Fox, and Andy Serkis


Written and Directed by
Michael J. Bassett

IMDB Plot Summary:In the middle of World War I, nine British soldiers caught behind enemy lines seek refuge in a complex network of German trenches. What they soon discover is that they aren't alone...and it isn't a German soldier that's hunting them down


I saw this film at my local blockbuster, and i didn't have to much hope in it being that great. Even though Clive Barker said it was a good and creative film. I didn't want to get my hopes up, the last time I listened to a horror director that i respect on a cover of a movie box, it was Tobe Hooper and that movie was house of 1000 corpses. And that film was god awful. Well, much to my surprise, this film was wonderful. Clive did not steer me wrong. It has Jamie Bell from "Billy Elliot." as a terrified sixteen year old soldier who lied about his age to get into the army. it also stars Andy Serkis who is best known as the voice of Gollum from the lord of the rings films, as a insane soldier who wears furs and uses clubs against his enemies. Both actors give fine performances.There are certain scenes in the film which made me understand why Clive liked this film so much, if you're a fan of his work like I am, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. this movie actually had some creepy moments , and I thought that wasn't possible since I've become so jaded with horror. it a nice change of pace from the slasher formula of " tits-blood-tits-shitty rock song-tits and more blood-" don't get me wrong, I love that type of stuff, but once in a while it's good to cleanse the pallet with something of quality. This movie is that pallet cleanser. I highly recommend it.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Beware the silver duck dj's from mars!

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Thataway to salvation!

when you find a laser gun in a desert, don't pick it up.

Staring: Kim Milford,Cheryl Smith, Keenan Deezen, and Roddy McDowall.

Directed by
Michael Rae

IMDB Plot Outline: A teenager stumbles upon an alien weapon, which transform him into a grotesque killer.


I loved this movie. Not because it was good, but because it didn't offer any explanation for any of the insane shit that was going on. so young Billy gets kicked around all his life, can drag race with the other boys, his girlfriend forces him to go to parties he doesn't want to go to, her grandfather is an old crazy colonel that threatens to shoot him all the time. It’s just the way of his life, which is until he finds a laser gun out in the desert, along with activating device that doubles as a necklace. Two guys try to rape his girlfriend, he gets them off of her but she begs him not to do anything. Later that same night, we see him with his laser gun. He blows up the car of the would be rapists. but we see that the gun takes a toll on young William. it seems the more he uses the weapon, the more he turns into a hideous monster. but when he wakes up in the morning, all that's left is a growth were the necklace rests. His girlfriend suggests that he should go to the doctor; naturally the doctor is Roddy McDowall. The doctor takes this mysterious growth and has it analyzed, but on his way back Billy pulls out his gun and kills Roddy. Now while this is going on, there are stop motion aliens that are watching Billy from their space ship and i can't tell if they are pleased with what he's doing or angry. Billy and his girlfriend make love on the grass and while Billy sleeps, she puts the necklace and thus turns him back into a monster. From this point on, Billy goes around killing everyone he sees, he sees a Star Wars billboard on the side of the road and it's almost as if the director wanted to say "move over Star Wars, here comes LASERBLAST!!" Billy wreaks some more havoc until he's in the middle of the street after having blown a few cars into nonexistence when the aliens come down and kill him. They leave without taking back their laser gun. The final shot is that of a dead Billy being cradled by his girlfriend. Not one single explanation and to me, that is just courage. I respect their detachment from plot and even dialogue at times and their love of props and interpretive dance. Rent this movie, but only if you are ready to think.

and now, for no reason, the newest mix cd i've been working on.

I call this one:

"Doug Bradley's Reason For Living"

Queen - Flash's Theme
Huey Lewis and the News - Workin' for a livin'
The Doors - Love Me Two Times
Soundgarden - Girl U Want ( cover of the devo song)
John Lennon - Instant Karma
Radiohead - Karma Police
Skid Row - 18 and Life
Stone Temple Pilots - Too Cool Queenie
The Clash - Spanish Bombs
The Ramones - Danny Says
Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend
Kiss - I Love It Loud
Human League - Don't You Want Me
Desert Sessions - I Wanna Make It Wit Chu
Jackie Wilson - (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher
Dead Kennedys - Too Drunk To Fuck
Stevie Wonder - I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)
The Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
Johnny Cash - Personal Jesus ( best cover song ever)
Kenny Loggins - Nobody's Fool ( yes, i end with the theme from Caddyshack II. it's what we call balls, people.)

I've had it with vh1.

OK, i enjoyed the list shows for a while. but now it's just getting snotty. i was watching the "awesomely bad metal songs" and they have fucking dio's last in line and danzig's mother on the list. and the reason? you shouldn't have the word mother in a metal song. these people shitting on music that most of them haven't even listened to on even a tiny scale. fuck you vh1 and your need to make yourself feel better by shitting on others.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

You got to hand it to that superman, after killing the random hobo, he'll just kill his friends. Bat shit insane.

You can't fight the hemoglobin heroin.

Staring: Adrian Rawlins, Lee Blakemore, and Phil Cornwell.

Directed by
Charly Cantor

IMDB Plot Outline: 20 years ago, Carl was responsible for genetically engineering a girl with narcotic blood. Now he's brought her home - and the boundaries between love and addiction are becoming increasingly blurred.

That image on the cover appears nowhere in the film itself. And I was pleased by that, I expected it to be something like darkness falls or maybe ever a blockbuster horror rental. But it turned out to be a decent movie. This movie was more psychological that horror. Ok, so you save a girl with addictive blood from the junkies that keep her captive and take her home. She becomes a member of the family eventually stops walking around naked and starts acclimatizing with her surroundings and then becomes your sons best friend and spends hours playing Nintendo 64 with him. So it's almost kind of a sweet adoption story until the dad sees his creation get a cut on her finger and he can help but her apparently orgasmic addictive blood. But because whatever amount she loses she needs returned nine times over, it starts a situation that leads to affairs, divorce and junkie behavior. It's a highly sexual movie but not in the standard tawdry horror way. I know I'd find it hard to fight off the charms of Miss Lee Blakemore and that's without the drug blood. I was surprised by how good this movie was, especially because I first saw the trailer of this film on the DVD of the god awful movie called Vampires vs. Zombies. I both like and dislike this movie, I like it because it's a quality film, I dislike it because it means that there might be more diamonds in the rough, but it almost definitely means hours of shit to find them. But take it from me, this is a decent movie.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Jesus, that Superman is one hardcore mother fucker. "Here, dress like me and let me watch you die slowly". That's some twisted shit.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Yes Superman, crash through the wall so you don't get wet. Great thinking, ass.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Hey, how about you just stop acting like such a douche bag and just tell your brother the truth. He shouldn't be too shockable, I mean he is standing in front of a robot Sherlock Homes.

The Carradine - Campbell Vampire Connection.

Staring:David Carradine,Maxwell Caulfield,Deborah Foreman, and Bruce Campbell

Directed by
Anthony Hickox


IMDB Plot Summary : Reclusive vampires lounge in a lonely American town. They wear sun cream to protect themselves. A descendant of Van Helsing arrives with hilarious consequences.

i loved this movie. it's a vampire western, for heaven's sake. it's not a work of art but it's fun to watch. so there was this blood scientist and his family unknowingly moving to the vampire town, to work on a creation of artificial blood. this is so David Carradine can have his world were vampires aren't hunted by humans for killing them. But he didn't know that there was an underground movement to go back to the killing ways. Lead by the town preacher. And we also find that one of the rebels has slept with the scientist's wife back in collage. This role is played by Maxwell Caulfield. So basically he's a massive douche bag. We also have the story of the descendant of Van Helsing coming into town, played by Bruce Campbell. Like most of his roles, it plays off his amazing slapstick ability and as he comes into town one of the vampires played by Deborah Foreman (of Waxwork "fame" if you can really say fame to that). She falls in love with Bruce and he's eventually turned into a vampire by David Carradine to make Deborah happy. All of these little plots lead into the town shoot out. Vampires using guns with wooden bullets. It all ends with David Carradine Having to have a draw with the leader of the opposition, the vampire preacher. The preacher is sure he'll win because he's the oldest vampire in town (and the older you are the stronger and quicker you are). Carradine is quicker and kills the preacher, caradine then says "I had to change my name because that damn bram stoker book." but even finding out David Carradine is dracula wasn't going to stop the rest of the rebels. That's when suddenly the blood scientist erects a massive cross. And all vampires shield their eyes. Then it becomes obvious that only the murderous rebels are the ones burning and melting. So in a scene that made this movie easily worth the rental price is David Carradine as dracula looking up at the cross with tears in his eyes saying "we have been forgiven..." I mean you don't get much better than that, folks. If you want a silly vampire movie to rent, this will not disappoint.

I want to get drunk in a Forest.
I want to dance in a submarine.
I want to punch an elephant.
I want to be poignant.
I want to be meaningless.
I want to watch the Adams family.
I want a girl that has my sense of humor.
I want to fuck.
I want to laugh.
I want to sing.
I want to eat a club sandwich.
I want to be stronger.
I want to forget.
I want a sixth season of angel.
I want a cigarette that won't kill me.
I want a different president.
I want to be a kinder person.
I want to find a large roll of hundred dollar bills.
I want more hits on my blog.
I want to meditate.
I want my brother to stop mixing apple juice and jack daniels and calling it apple jacks.
I want a different body.
I want a new Friday the 13th movie.
I want to break windows.
I want the clock to roll back.
I want the special edition of big trouble in little china.
I want to be somebody's best man.
I want to be green lantern.
I want to meet new people.
I want more comments on my journal.
I want new socks.
I want to hug my dad.
I want to be a pirate next Halloween.
I want a funeral like Graham Chapman's.
I want to break into a candy store and leave some candy.
I want be a good father.
I want to live in a log cabin near a lake.
I want to be respected.
I want the greatest hits of the fabulous thunderbirds.
I want love.
I want a lot of fucking things, it looks like.

Ladies of the night with gardening equipment has never felt so right.

Staring : Gunnar Hansen,Linnea Quigley, and Jay Richardson


Directed by
Fred Olen Ray


IMDB Plot Summary: Jack Chandler is a private eye tracking down Samantha the runaway. In his travels, he comes across a gang of chainsaw wielding prostitutes that like to carve people up for their cult.


This is the kind of movie that we just don't get anymore. Yeah, you get your skin flicks, and your super cheap blockbuster horror rentals (of which Jay Richardson and Linnea Quigley have stared in frequently) , but they don't have the same charm as a Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. It's pretty easy to understand when you see this little warning at the start of the film. This movie had it all, nudity, the allure of Hollywood, nudity, the religious significance of the chainsaw, nudity, and of course, hookers galore (and nudity). Ok, so this movie is obviously a piece of shit. But it's a piece of shit with a likeable attitude. it went about its mediocrity with a wink and a smile, And that helps the medicine go down smoothly. So many movies of this type put out today are so "oh here is a spoof of planet of the apes called Play Mate of the Apes and it's nothing but terrifying lesbian sex scenes". No, that's not how you do it. I want my awful story, I want my ancient Egyptian cult of the chainsaw lead by the guy who played Leatherface. I want my shitty film noir attempt, and yes God damn it, I want hookers with chainsaws!

Yeah, and if there was a God, it would have stayed "lost"

The Lost Empire

Staring: Bill Thornbury, Raven De La Croix, Robert Tessier, and Angus Scrimm.

Written & Directed by Jim Wynorski

IMDB Plot Summary : After officer Rob Wolfe is killed trying to stop a gang of ninjas from robbing a jewelery store, his sister, officer Angel Wolfe, vows to avenge his death. Her investigation leads her to the mysterious Dr. Sin Do, who is supposedly in league with an undead wizard named Lee Chuck. The doctor is holding a martial arts tournament on a secret island fortress, so Angel, after rounding up some of her martial-artist friends, enters the tournament in the hopes of finding Sin Do and Lee Chuck and bringing them to justice.




Ok, so this is a titty movie. I didn't know that when I rented it. I also didn't know it had Angus Scrimm. When I rented it I thought I'd be getting some cheap Flash Gordon knock off. Boy, was I wrong. It not only has the tall man but Bill Thornbury who played Jody from phantasm as well. I wonder what sort of debt they were both in because not even tits or angus scrimm could save this movie. I fell asleep twice while watching this movie. I had to stop it and start again the next day. This movie is essentially a blur to me. I remember the Robert Tessier character ogling women. He also had the most ridiculous eyebrows I have ever seen. I remember random shots of Raven De La Croix's breasts. It wasn't even titillating (no pun intended), it was just there. Oh Angus Scrimm is a thousand year old Asian man who just turned into a demon. I found no satisfaction in any of this. And when I find no satisfaction from Angus Scrimm tearing his flesh off to reveal his true self, something is terribly wrong. The only joy I felt was when this movie ended. There is no reason to watch this movie, if you want breasts, watch cinimax, if you want Angus Scrimm, rent phantasm. Do yourself a favor, if you ever see the cover of the vhs box, turn around and pretend you didn't see anything.

The True Power Of Science

Choke Canyon

Staring :Stephen Collins,Janet Julian, and Lance Henriksen

Directed by
Charles Bail


IMDB Plot Outline: A "cowboy"-scientist is fighting a corporation who wants to dump atomic waste on a piece of land he has leased.


A cowboy scientist. that really says it all doesn't it? this is Steven Collins finest role post star trek the motion picture and pre 7th heaven. and Lance Henriksen puts in a nice showing as well. Now, if you are fan of science being portrayed accurately, then don't watch this movie, but if you want your science with a cowboy had and an attitude, then choke canyon is right up your alley. this is not the stuff that those eggheads at those universities do, this is the true science. Steven Collins is a Cowboy scientist who has figured out that if he can bring Haley's comet into choke canyon he would be able to use the sound waves as an inexhaustible source of energy for the world. No, I'm not making this up. everything is going well until Lance Henriksen representing an evil corporation plans on dumping toxic waste in the canyon. This sets up a chain of events that can only be explained by the words "COWBOY SCIENCE". But ultimately there is only one reason to watch this movie. The chase scene at the end of this film is just lovely. it involves a helicopter that is carrying a plastic ball filled with toxic waste, a by-plane, and two buses filled with tourists. Steven Collins needs to bring the ball of toxic waste to a congress man for a proper investigation to start, needless to say, the evil corporation doesn't want to display one of their toxic balls. so the cowboy scientist steals the helicopter but is then chased by the by-plane. the chase takes an intense turn when Steven Collins has to set down on a bus to lose the corporation lackey. but the lackey knows that turnabout is fair play and lands his by-plane on another tour bus. So the chase is now taking place between two buses with aircraft on top of them. Steven has his helicopter lift off but not before some more corporate scum latch on to the ball. So he hands control of the helicopter and slides down the high tension wire to fight the bad guy. Steven kicks the man off, and then finally, the helicopter lands in front of a city hall with Steven Collins standing on a ball of toxic waste. the corporation gets theirs, and then Mr. Collins puts his "COWBOY SCIENCE" to good use and makes a comet fly through a canyon. Watch this movie if only for the opportunity to witness (I think unintentionally) a sexual metaphor on a planetary scale.

Patrick Swayze...... Will I ever trust you again?

Steel Dawn

Staring Patrick Swayze,Lisa Niemi, Brion James , Arnold Vosloo, and Brett Hool

Directed by Lance Hool

imdb plot outline:In a post-apocalyptic world, a warrior wandering through the desert comes upon a group of settlers who are being menaced by a murderous gang that is after the water they control.

Oh, where do I begin with Steel Dawn? When I saw an add for this my hopes were high because I saw Patrick Swayze with a sword. And I assumed that meant it would, A) be pretty bad, and B) at least be somewhat entertaining. oh lord, was I wrong. I can forgive the awful science. But I cannot forgive the acting or the dialogue. Arnold Vosloo , who later went on to play the mummy, showed why, one day, he would be perfectly suited to play a five thousand year old corpse. The late Brion James was hardly known for his acting skill, but even he could do better than the output in this film. then there is Brett Hool. i think we can safely assume he is related to the director. his performance is so terrible, that I'd say that he makes Jake Lloyd from Phantom Menace looks like a decent actor in comparison. the whole thing reminds me too much of the Jesse Cameron-Glickenhaus Tragedy that is Time Master for me to even continue talking about it.Lisa Niemi's acting skill cannot be why Patrick Swayze married her. But that's fine, not everyone is an actor, but all she had to do was have chemistry with someone she had been married to by that point for twelve years. she didn't and neither did he. I'm a fan of Patrick Swayze. i defend him in conversations. I'm always the one who says "yeah but what about Point Break and Donnie Darko?" and that normally helps my argument. but this is just another stone on the atlas sized bulk of shitty movies he's done. there was a chase scene in this movie that, i swear on the memory of my grandfather, that was only moving about 6 miles per hour. this movie was so bad that i caught myself thinking what if this was a part of a never finished trilogy that started with Red Dawn. i had to entertain myself, because the movie sure as shit wasn't going to. I expected a little more out of Patrick Swayze. Watch Steel Dawn only when normal methods of euthanasia are not permitted.

that's powerful stuff

So smallville is heading down the road that I can only call "charmed avenue" if it keeps on the path, I'll getting off at the next exit.

ps.

On drawn together they alluded to what is essentially "Link" from legend of zelda getting sucked off by Elmer Fudd. also sponge bob square pants as well as God getting confused by a glory hole. I am not religious and I was offended. that show just got a permanent fan.

pps

I seriously have to have sex with Gwen Stafani. i'm gonna have to get to work on that soon. i've put it off too long.

New layout.

And that's pretty much it. I watched "the wicker man" (which was wonderful) as well as "steel dawn"(which was shit) today, I'll post reviews on those later.


Edit: i'll also work out the kinks later.

Eight random thoughts and things that are going on with me.

1) It amazes me how insane this tribal mentality is getting. Sorry if I don't automatically hate someone who voted for bush. i may hate what he stands for but people have the right to vote for him. Should I turn in my liberal club card?

2) i found out I'm second cousins with Angus Scrimm. Time to get me some of that Phantasm money!

3) I had the idea of killing everyone else on the earth with the name Corey. I'd save Corey Feldman and Corey Haim for last, for their crime is the most severe. I should probably be on some sort of medication.

4) I had a dream last night that I was on a road trip and I pulled off the road in Arizona and all of a sudden a large group of people picked me up and took me to a massive amphitheater and then awarded me with the title "King Douche Bag". OK, I didn't dream that, but it would be cool if did.

5) I think the smiths and Morrissey are a bit overrated I've only ever liked "how soon is now" and it's not enough to get me to fawn over them. I do love Robert Smith though, even though he's starting to look like pizza the hutt.

6) i want to gather together the few people left on the planet that have the captain power tapes and toy ships and somehow make a Clandestine society that's only goal is to make our future like that on the tapes we watched as kids.

7) I keep on fucking missing scrubs. The venture brothers too. Also apparently Ronnie James fucking Dio played the theater just before Halloween. This pisses me off. I tell you if my large Irish head wasn't attached to my body it would just float away.

8) the other day i was asked this question "What WAS Kids Incorporated?" and answered quickly by saying "it was essentially the Mickey Mouse Club for the 80's". but inside that question exposed feelings i didn't even know were there. not only did that show give us high quality levels of children over acting, but it also lovingly marginalized songs from the current and previous generations. its responsible for Martika who gave us the wonderful single "toy soldiers", Ryan Lambert who played "Rudy" in monster squad , Mario López Slater of "Saved by the bell" fame,Jennifer Love Hewitt , and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (and she was also in Mr. T's rock opera "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool!") No normal show could give us so much. So on the surfice I had an answer for the question, but inside, I just had to ask myself, "What WAS Kids Incorporated?"

"I dont eat meat unless it's Dick Nixon."

Chistpher Lee IS Dracula to me. just look at the guy.
oh and look at this because it's awesome.

I am going to comic con next year. And I will dress up like a Klingon and I will make a total ass out of myself.

Today my brother and I had to choose between this:



and this:


We ended up choosing the second but either way, we're awesome.

and now some words from the mouth of that preacher...

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

And fellas, you got to watch it, When she wind up, she bottom, she go like a rocket!

i stared at this for way too long.
confusing but enjoyable
just fucking confusing.
i really shouldn't find this as funny as i do.
huh?
this is just beautiful

Watched an old episode of E.R. last night. God damn, do i loves me the Maura Tierney.

I probably shouldn't be admitting this, but I have a fantasy that if I'm dating a girl, she'd be wearing one of my T-shirts and be in her panties, lip synching and dancing to Harry Belafonte's Jump In The Line (Shake Senora).

this is Glorious music.

P.S.

this has nothing to do with anything, but National Treasure looks so incredibly fucking awful. I must see it.

P.P.S.

And now for my message from the future

I see a world where the blue states secede from the nation, where the red have their total Christians values, where gays and blacks and liberals are shipped away to the blue California and blue New York. Where the red nation gets what it want, a perfect white Christian nation. Blonde hair blue eyes and money and Jesus. Where country music is the national music. And where the blue nation has its world where gay marriage and abortions go on into infinity, where cloning and prostitution, the legalization of drugs, and the use of embryonic stem cells are free and clear. Where Hollywood movie stars fill all levels of government, where those who want their God based and godless societies may have just that. if these two nations ever went to war we'd have the red with all the guns and off road vehicles and all soldiers bathed in holy water before battle and the songs of Toby Keith play on forever to inspire the troops, and the blue would have an unending amount of clones of Brad Pitt and other actors who have no weapons but are protected by the layer of dead baby cells that protects them and can regenerate any injury. I'm from blue, how about you?