Monday, November 15, 2004

Yeah, and if there was a God, it would have stayed "lost"

The Lost Empire

Staring: Bill Thornbury, Raven De La Croix, Robert Tessier, and Angus Scrimm.

Written & Directed by Jim Wynorski

IMDB Plot Summary : After officer Rob Wolfe is killed trying to stop a gang of ninjas from robbing a jewelery store, his sister, officer Angel Wolfe, vows to avenge his death. Her investigation leads her to the mysterious Dr. Sin Do, who is supposedly in league with an undead wizard named Lee Chuck. The doctor is holding a martial arts tournament on a secret island fortress, so Angel, after rounding up some of her martial-artist friends, enters the tournament in the hopes of finding Sin Do and Lee Chuck and bringing them to justice.

Ok, so this is a titty movie. I didn't know that when I rented it. I also didn't know it had Angus Scrimm. When I rented it I thought I'd be getting some cheap Flash Gordon knock off. Boy, was I wrong. It not only has the tall man but Bill Thornbury who played Jody from phantasm as well. I wonder what sort of debt they were both in because not even tits or angus scrimm could save this movie. I fell asleep twice while watching this movie. I had to stop it and start again the next day. This movie is essentially a blur to me. I remember the Robert Tessier character ogling women. He also had the most ridiculous eyebrows I have ever seen. I remember random shots of Raven De La Croix's breasts. It wasn't even titillating (no pun intended), it was just there. Oh Angus Scrimm is a thousand year old Asian man who just turned into a demon. I found no satisfaction in any of this. And when I find no satisfaction from Angus Scrimm tearing his flesh off to reveal his true self, something is terribly wrong. The only joy I felt was when this movie ended. There is no reason to watch this movie, if you want breasts, watch cinimax, if you want Angus Scrimm, rent phantasm. Do yourself a favor, if you ever see the cover of the vhs box, turn around and pretend you didn't see anything.

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