Wednesday, December 29, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Now you can tell me aquaman is lame, but I think he's badass. You have to be a badass to take on something like that. Because seriously, what the fuck is that?

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Monday, December 27, 2004

The Re-Animator Trilogy

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Bruce Abbott,Barbara Crampton,David Gale, and Robert Sampson

Directed by
Stuart Gordon

IMDB Plot Outline: A dedicated student at a medical college and his girlfriend become involved in bizarre experiments centering around the re-animation of dead tissue when an odd new student arrives on campus.

The first film is a lovely piece of work. I'm not sure of the Lovecraft story it was based off of but I'll assume there was quite a bit of artistic license taken. Dr. Herbert West is a weird little man but you can't help but like him on some level. His partner is a bit of a bore but I think he was really only there as a reason for the girl in the movie to get naked. The decapitated head. What a lovely villain. I could talk about the oral sex scene but I'm sure that's been done to death. I will say that this was a fun movie despite the tremendous amount of zombie wang.

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Bruce Abbott,Claude Earl Jones,Fabiana Udenio, and David Gale.

Directed by
Brian Yuzna

IMDB Plot Outline: Doctors Herbert West and Dan Cain discover the secret to creating human life and proceed to create a perfect woman from dead tissue.

This was barely a film but rather a collection of funny and weird scenes. Rent this movie if only for the many experiments leg hand, the eye fingers. And other disgusting oddities. The two main doctors come back in this film as does the decapitated head of Dr. hill. The head gets bat wings. This is absolutely lovely. I can't tell you how terrified I'd be if a human head was flying towards me. But despite the bad parts (which were many) I still liked the movie.

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Jason Barry,Elsa Pataky, and Simón Andreu.

Directed by
Brian Yuzna

IMDB Plot Summary:Everyone's favorite mad scientist Herbert West is currently in jail after having state's evidence turned against him by his former assistant, Dan Cain. While being led away, some re-agent falls from his pocket where it is picked up by a young man that was camping nearby. The young man find Herbert down in his jail cell and learns for himself just what the re-agent is capable of.

This was a nice try but it didn't really hit the mark. In some ways it's a better sequel than bride of re-animator and in other ways it's much worse. A flying head with bat wings I can handle. I don't like cocks that are bitten off the body and then starts fighting rats. But that didn't weigh that hard against this movie. It was mostly the acting. And this film was made in Spain, it really was terribly dubbed. There were parts where you could tell it was a particular actors actual voice and then when it went to voice over because the english was hard to understand. The film takes place in prison and that's nice and fine. But there were so many times I just slapped my hands against my head and wondered why I was watching it. But I have seen worse. Only rent this one if you are a re-animator junkie. And if you want to see the worst music video you'll probably ever see.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Some random thoughts and opinions

I'm search result number 93 in a yahoo search for werewolf. What the hell, I'll take what I can get.

I bought the newest issue of Wizard for the info on the all-star Superman deal. Not only did the cover ink come off on my hands, I was reminded why I stopped buying that book in the first place. It just reminds me of a political magazine that claims to be impartial but so obviously chooses one side over the other. In this election, I choose the side that has Chubby Da Choona on the ballot.

I will change my name to Kirk Hercules become a world renown body builder who will punch any man in the face that is six inches shorter then me and then buy him a six-pack of Heineken.

I seriously need to stop reading US and people magazines while I'm taking a shower.

I fucking hate cigarettes but God damn do I love them.

You'd have to pay me to see this movie. And after watching the trailer for The Amityville Horror remake, and then looking on imdb, one question has come to my brain. Does this world need Michael Bay?

I seriously want a filet minion from this place called "Jocko's" about 30 minutes outside of Solvang. The place is a dive and filled with rednecks but it has the finest food I have ever eaten, the steak was so good that I forgot about the potato, and it fucking takes a lot to make an Irish man forget about a potato.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

How about HE'S A FUCKING DOG! Sometimes dogs go ape shit when they see a 20 foot tall whatever the fuck that is.

Vampires, little monsters, and breasts.

Staring: Anders Hove,Irina Movila,Michael Watson,Laura Tate,Michelle McBride, and Angus Scrimm.

Directed by
Ted Nicolaou

IMDB Plot Summary for
The evil vampire villain Radu returns to his hometown of Prejnar, after spending years in exile. He steals the precious blood stone which is said to be bleeding from all saints, from his father and kills him. Meanwhile two American schoolgirls teams up with a local girl for a work on Roumanian culture. Radu becomes attracted to them but runs into trouble when his brother Stephan helps the girls.

I dug this film. I liked it even more because it had Angus Scrimm aka the tall man from phantasm wearing a terrible wig and sucking blood from a stone. And Radu the vampire sure has some drooling problems. But I liked the idea of magic and patriarchy in the vampire world. Plus breaking your fingers off and creating ghouls from it is pretty neat as well. It was obvious they didn't have the biggest budget for the film but I think they did well with what they had. I'll most likely watch the sequels of this film, but I have doubts if they'll be any good. They went to four and it looks like by then they had the production quality of a sci-fi channel original movie made in 1997. But I'll say the first film is decent, and I'd recommend it if you are on a vampire kick.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Mutant Aqua Creatures.

Staring:Peter Weller,Richard Crenna,Amanda Pays,Daniel Stern,Hector Elizondo, and Ernie Hudson.

Directed by
George P. Cosmatos.

IMDB Plot Summary: Underwater deep-sea miners encounter a Soviet wreck and bring back a dangerous cargo to their base on the ocean floor with horrifying results.

This is John Carpenter's The Thing, but under water. It's not as good as that film but has a higher star caliber cast. Peter Weller, I cannot get enough of this man, he's Robocop, and he's buckaroo banzai. So I'll like pretty much every movie he does, this was no exception. Richard Crenna, Daniel Stern, Hector Elizondo, and Ernie Hudson are also in the movie. I have the feeling that this movie was a group of executives saying, “why don't we make the thing, underwater, with a bigger budget, bigger stars, and give it a Hollywood ending?” Now, I don't think I'm judging the movie too harshly because I did enjoy it, how do you not enjoy Robocop and Winston of Ghostbusters. using chainsaws and flame-throwers against a mutant beast under the sea. If you want to see that, and you should want to see that, then rent this movie, but if you want to see a high quality version of this type of film, just watch The Thing again.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Don't mind this post, this is my attempt to become the number one google search for Werewolf.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

if you see this to rent, hide it. the life you might be saving could be your own.

Staring:Bonny Giroux,C.S. Munro,Maratama Carlson, Peter Ruginis, and
Brinke Stevens

Directed by
Vince D'Amato

Tagline: The battle between the living dead and the undead has begun!

Seriously, fuck this movie. Even nudity and gore couldn't save this piece of shit. The only good part was an old man called the general chopping off the head of a very sub par beauty queen and making a weird scream as he does it. There are barely any vampires vs. zombie scenes in the movie. I'm not even sure what characters were vampires most of the time. And in a fucking movie called vampires vs. zombies, I should fucking know. I want the time I spent watching that movie given back to me. Even if I spent the time with painful explosive diarrhea it would be better than watching that film. I can't talk about this. I still feel too violated.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Cover of Green Lantern Rebirth # 6

Finally... All the fans will be happy! Wait a second, I forgot what group I was talking about. Nevermind.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

This is my kinda Batman. "Fuck all that detective stuff, Robin. Let's go fight a dragon!"

Saturday, December 11, 2004

I just don't know

Staring: Felix Ward,Maria Pechukas,Dan Scott and A.J. Lowenthal

Directed by
Eugenie Joseph
Thomas Doran (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")
Brendan Faulkner (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")

IMDB Plot Summary:Taking a wrong turn, travelers find themselves trapped in a mysterious house. One horror after another threatens them as the sorcerer who lives within needs sacrifices to give eternal life to his beautiful bride.

Also Known As:
Twisted Souls (USA) (working title)

Oh boy, I should have known, three directors is a sure fire way of telling a movie is bad. And this film is a paradox if I've ever seen one. It has some of the most unique and interesting things I've seen in a film but it's packaged in the most boring piece of shit. You get, farting zombies, Asian women that turn into spiders, lizard monkey type things,an old wizard teaching his son the dark arts, and the one that got me the most a meowing cat boy with a hook for a hand. All of these things and I still fell asleep in the middle of it. How does such a thing happen? How do you show me things that by all rights should make me love a film, instead I can't keep my eyes open. I can only assume the creators tapped into that hidden formula that should never have been created. All I know is that while I will remember the things I saw in this movie for a long time, but I couldn't get the tape out of the VCR fast enough.

Friday, December 10, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Quite possibly my favorite comic book cover ever. I mean, how do you beat a massive gila monster with a gun and eye beams? you just can't.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

"Let us go eat some Yankee brains!"

The Curse Of The Screaming Dead

Staring:Steve Sandkuhler,Christopher Gummer,Rebecca Bach, and Mimi Ishikawa

Directed by
Tony Malanowski

Also Known As:
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
Curse of the Confederate Cannibals

IMDB Plot Outline: A group of Southern deer hunters stop at a church graveyard in the woods. Their activities arouse the corpses of long-dead Confederate soldiers, who attack them

I love zombie movies. This was a zombie movie, and I did not like it. This was a film made in 1982 yet it looks like it was filmed in 1971. The acting is God awful. The special effects are terrible there is no interest in the characters even in seeing them get killed. the one thing I'll say, there are two Asian redneck sisters, one is blind and one is a total bitch and i mean total. she hates like and everyone around her even her sister. and of course the blind one dies and the total bitch survives. even with this dynamic bitchy and blind Asian rednecks I still started to fall asleep during it. There was only one good thing about this movie, and that's a zombie confederate general commanding his undead troops. Now since you have to wait about an hour to even see this flesh eating rebel, Id recommend renting this only for die hard zombie fans or people who have an easily available supply of coffee.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Apparently when you take a panda out of it's natural environment it starts to turn into a demon. It has human eyes. that terrifies me.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

A whole lot of wax


Staring: Zach Galligan , Deborah Foreman ,Patrick Macnee, John Rhys-Davies, Miles O'Keeffe and David Warner.

Written & Directed by Anthony Hickox.

IMDB Plot Outline: A wax museum owner uses his horror exhibits to unleash evil on the world.

Zach Galligan of gremlins fame stars in these two films. The first waxwork starts off with Zach's character being berated by his mother for talking to their butler. I think this was put in the film so we could all relate to the character. I know my mother just hated when I fraternized with the help. We get some standard 80's horror movie bits but David Warner opening the waxwork that leads the cast into some neat little homage's of horror film history; by stepping past the velvet rope in front of an exhibit you enter that particular world of wax. You get your werewolves, zombies, vampires, mummies, and of course who can think of those and not expect to see The Marquis de Sade right along with them. This film has some nice moments, but for me the highlight of the film is at the end, where a group of elderly people come to stop these wax monsters from destroying the world. If you have an old man sword fighting with a werewolf, I will love the movie. I think for the final battle scene alone, this movie is worth the couple bucks for the rental.

Waxwork II: Lost in Time

Staring: Zach Galligan ,Monika Schnarre, Bruce Campbell,Alexander Godunov,Michael Des Barres,Marina Sirtis, Patrick Macnee, and David Carradine.

Written & Directed by Anthony Hickox.

IMDB Plot Outline: In this sequel, a couple must use a portal through time to defeat evil.

Then we come to waxwork II, it picks up right where the first movie ends and this time, instead of entering the waxwork, it's just a special necklace that allows the characters to hop into different worlds, now I learned something from this movie, I learned that if Sam Raimi ever stopped walking suddenly that this director's nose would go right up is ass. This movie tries to be evil dead but fails completely; it just makes me sad that Bruce Campbell actually made a small appearance in this film. While not the worst film I've ever seen, I will say it might be the dumbest. I seriously can't think of a reason for anyone to rent this unless they get the two movies on one disc like I did. Even then, only watch it if you have two hours to waste.

Monday, December 06, 2004

.....i can still see it when i close my eyes.

Staring: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak,Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr., Udo Kier, and Coolio.

Written & Directed by
Darrell Roodt

IMDB Plot Outline: Count Dracula terrorizes the crew of a spaceship.

This might be the worst movie I've ever seen. If there is a movie that I have seen that's worse than this, than I must have erased it from my memory, for the sake of my own sanity. The whole time I had my fists clenched. This fucking movie....... you know, there is nothing that I can say that can properly describe how awful this movie really is. Never watch this film. EVER. i can only paraphrase James Downey from the movie Billy Madison -

Dracula 3000 is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in it's rambling, incoherent plot was it even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone who has seen this film is now dumber for having watched it. I recommend this film to no one, and to those in the cast and crew, may God have mercy on your souls.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

I like that we get to see into gorilla culture, apparently if you lose an eye and have a flair for cooking, you are involved with witchcraft.

Friday, December 03, 2004

What I think when I see comic book covers...

It's ok honey, you're a big girl now, it's time you learned about something called Menstruation.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A touching story of a girl and her zombie nazi father.

Staring : Howard Vernon, Pierre-Marie Escourrou, and Anouchka.

Directed by
Jean Rollin

IMDB Plot Summary: In a small village, somewhere in France, dead German soldiers, killed and thrown into the lake by the Resistance during WW II, come back.

This movie hurt me. But I was entertained by it. I think there were only two selling points for which this movie got financed. Vagina and Nazi zombies. This is a German film that has more bushes in the first 20 minutes then all of Fahrenheit 9/11. Zombies come back to life to kill village woman because the villagers murdered them during the World War II. There are many reasons to rent this dvd, first of all being the touching story of love between one of the nazi zombies and his daughter, he loves her so much that he's willing to fight the other zombies to protect her, and I dare you to tell me that you don't want to see a nazi zombie knife fight. A feature on the dvd are alternate "clothed" scenes, which I can assume were only filmed so that the movie could be shown in America. Personally, I think more films should have this option. Who wouldn't like an About Schmidt dvd with a clothed Kathy Bates scene or for the horror fans, a copy of The Burning where you don't see Fisher Stevens' and Jason Alexander's assholes. Maybe one of these days. but zombie lake is not a good movie, not by a long shot. The acting is so bad that I almost thought it was done that way on purpose, but it wasn't, it makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier in comparison. The dubbing was done by three 16 year old boys and one girl in a basement, I'm sure of this. Even though it had all this going against it, it was still a entertaining movie. Or maybe I'm easily pleased. Who knows?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Freaks and models are ways to get me to like a movie.

Staring: Cristina Raines, Chris Sarandon, Burgess Meredith, Eli Wallach, Jerry Orbach, Beverly D'Angelo, Jeff Goldblum, and Christopher Walken.

Directed by
Michael Winner

IMDB Plot Summary: A fashion model moves into a house inhabited (on the top floor) by a blind priest. She begins having strange physical problems, has trouble sleeping at night, and has some nasty flashbacks of her attempted suicide. She complains to the real estate agent of the noise caused by her strange neighbors, but finds out that the house is only occupied by the priest and herself, and ultimately discovers that she has been put in the house for a reason.

This is a weird movie. Cristina Raines is a young model in New York, who wants to live in a different apartment from her boyfriend Chris Sarandon and have some space but still be together. the first thing that struck me about this movie was the scene where this girl after her father's funeral she has a flash back to her suicide attempt caused by walking in on her elderly father in the middle of an orgy with fat women shoving cake into his wrinkled mouth. This made me think, "Hmm. this is twisted. i will enjoy this." as the girl is moving into her apartment she's told about the blind priest that lives on the top floor. she's getting settled when she meets Burgess Meredith he's a kind old man who always walks around with a canary on his shoulder and a cat in his hands. it was lovely. she later introduces herself to Beverly D'Angelo and her older female room mate, it becomes pretty obvious that Ms. D'Angelo and her room mate are lesbians, because she starts to masturbate in front of our leading lady. because as we know all lesbians can't stop masturbating in public. Later Burgess Meredith throws a party for his cat inviting everyone in the building is there except for the old blind priest. later that night she's woken up by what sounds like Andre the giant tap dancing on the floor above her, she talks to her super and the super tells her that the only person living in that apartment building is her and the old priest. Meanwhile there's a whole different story with Chris Sarandon Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken. Chris Sarandon was investigated after his wife committed suicide and Eli Waallach and Christopher Walken are not about to let him do it again. So Cristina Raines is randomly going unconscious and fell onto a window at her filming of a commercial. Jerry Orbach plays a pissy director and I’m sure the two scenes with Jeff Goldblum his voice was over dubbed. So she goes home after the accident on the set and hears the loud noises again and she goes up stairs in her nightie and with a knife and ends up cutting up her dead father with a knife. which is quite fantastic. Chris Sarandon is searching all over to find out what's happening to his girlfriend, he ends up breaking into a church to find the secret of the priest that lives up on the top floor. It seems that a group of people for hundreds of years, attempt suicide only to disappear and secretly change their names and become part of the clergy. This leads him to break in the old priests room and discover that the building is a gateway to hell, and that Cristina Raines is the next in line to guard it. Things start going to crazy as Burgess Meredith walks out with a legion of freaks. Some with make up some naturally deformed. And I'm telling you TV's penguin is the perfect Satan. It also has a naked Beverly D'Angelo eating the corpse of Chris Sarandon. then the ceremony is done and Cristina Raines has taken the old priests place and all is well.

The first place i heard of this film was it being mentioned by the Corey Feldman character in the burbs. There are some scenes that were truly disturbing, if you can find this movie rent it.