While hiking the other day, I met a spectral Indian shaman. he said his name was Black Yucatan and he told me that it was time for my dream quest. I was interested but I was naturally apprehensive. I asked him what my dream quest was. and he told me that i had to fight a phantom bear. i was terrified. I may have a bachelors degree in man crushing, but my expertise doesn't extend to phantom bears. but one doesn't shrink in the face of destiny. I accepted the shaman's offer. I then i saw a nearly ten foot grizzly bear made entirely of ectoplasm materialized in front of me. fear had never been a more palpable emotion then right at that moment. the Indian told me to prepare for battle. I immediately moved into the shankara stance I had learned in death camp. then a Rock'em Sock'em Robot game appeared. it was floating between me and my bear foe. Black Yucatan told us to begin. I have never been in a more heated combat, not even in my twenty years in 'Nam. the phantom bear growled at me, my face became wet from the heat of its breath. all other sounds we gone except the clacking of our plastic warriors. the tension was unbearable. my robot took several direct shots to the face. my fight was nearly finished, but I gathered my strength, and found the weak spot in the phantom bear's robot, it's head. I hit it as many times as I could. then at last it's head became detached. i have never seen disappointment in the face of a phantom bear before. but I witnessed it that day. it gave a deafening roar and vanished. Black Yucatan started to laugh. but I would say it sounded more like the screaming of banshees than actual laughter. he told me that to the victor goes the spoils. I asked him what my prize would be. he said " the scent of a woman is a magical thing. you will be given the wondrous aroma of femininity". I began to sparkle and my skin started to tickle. all I could smell was the odor of jet exhaust, dog food, and tobacco smoked from a corn cobb pipe.
I asked " Is this what you think women smell like?" and he only responded with

"You are welcome",

then Black Yucatan exploded like a star.

when I regained consciousness, I was naked, dangling from the branch of a red wood tree, many miles away from home, with a half a dozen earth worms in my mouth. I eventually found my way home, a little stronger and a little wiser.

posted by Corey Beckner at 1:56 AM

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

What I think when I see comic book covers...