Tuesday, February 01, 2005

A Yeti movie ....oh boy.

Staring: Alan Brock, Jennifer Stock, Tawm Ellis , and Michael Harris.

Directed by
Michael Findlay

Tag Line : It walks. It stalks. It tears the shriek out of your throat.

Ok, I just want to say that this is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. There might be a few that are worse, but this is right up there. So it's a Yeti Movie. When I think about a movie about a yeti, it seems so wonderful, so enjoyable. But that is a fantasy that is not based in reality, because if there is a yeti and or sasquatch movie out there, odds are it's a piece of crap.

So the basic plot is two college professors take some of their students up to a cabin in the woods to see if they can find proof of the existence of yetis. At least 30 minutes of this film is barely audible conversations and pointless party scenes. Now, I can handle parties in a movies, but if characters are talking I think maybe they would let the audience in on it. But no, they would rather have a poor man's version of Question Mark and the Mysterians playing instead of dialog, part of me thinks that this is a good thing, because the acting in this film is worse than the worst Troma movie. Of this, I have no doubt. but still call me selfish, but I like a little exposition every now and then in a film, if I wanted to watch a half an hour of dancing, I'd walk to the salvation army and buy a copy of MTV's the grind. Then the music stops and we get the standard troubled person, warning the group that they are going to be doomed, I like to call this the Crazy Ralph Syndrome(or C.R.S. For Short). Apparently this man's best friend was killed by the yeti, so he comes to the party and bums everyone out then leaves. He gets home and for no reason, he cuts his girlfriends throat. Then to clean the blood off of himself he gets into a bathtub fully clothed and starts drinking a beer, but the girlfriend, who is a fucking navy seal apparently, crawls into the bathroom with a toaster and throws it into the bath tub and kills her boyfriend just before she dies herself. What does this mean? My guess, (since the film makers don't give you any sort of explanation) is that when you witness the yeti, it drives you mad. So the main characters all head up to the cabin and then comes even more endless music. But at least immediately after the song ends, we get introduced to a new character: Sitting Leaf -- the mute Indian who is neither mute nor Indian.

It was at this moment I had a horrific epiphany, this movie is not unique. there are dozens of films that are just like this. So after I grabbed a couple beers out of the fridge, I continued the film.

It was at this point we got our first couple of yeti kills out of the movie. I'm telling you, that yeti is hilarious. the yeti outfit is nothing but a white fur suit and wig, with fake teeth and lip stick. i would have laughed my ass of at it if the first half of the film hadn't sucked most of the human feeling out of me. so the main male and female characters (i apologize for not remembering their names, the brain power it would have taken to remember was used up trying to keep myself from shutting of the dvd player) saddened by the deaths of their friends, now decide it's a perfect time to start making out. while the wonderfully uncomfortable romance was happening, the two professors use the bodies of the other two dead kids as bait for the yeti. the main male character and the main female character leave the cabin and run into the woods, they become separated, and the girl comes back to the cabin, where she is stalked by the yeti, she locks herself into the bathroom where sitting leaf the false mute Indian, appears to be dead, then he looks at her and with tomahawk in hand is about to cleave her, she runs out of the room ends up in the living room, and sees the yeti and has a heart attack. the yeti bends down to look at her and then straightens up and takes off the mask as we find that the yeti has been one of the professors the whole time. next we see a number of cars parking in front of the cabin, and the main male character comes back to find a dinner party with the two professors as well as the dinner guests which is a multi national rainbow of races, he asks where his girlfriend is, and his told that the yeti is a tool to throw the authorities of their trail and that they are part of a satanic cannibal society. then they tell him that he's been eating humans the entire time at the cabin and he didn't know it, and that the girl was scared to death in accordance with their rules. then sitting leaf wheels the girlfriend out on a massive plater and the boyfriend goes nuts and tries to escape and is stabbed viciously eating utensils by everyone at the party, barely conscious he looks up at sitting leaf asks him if he likes light meat or dark meat. the end.

This film was insane. You'd probably be better off not watching it. But if you do, I suggest a liberal amount of any alcoholic beverage and a group of friends to watch it with, because you do not want to watch this film sober and alone.

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