...And King Koopa was brought low before him.

The Kingdom of Heaven circa the 13th century

this is from the Codex Gigas. aka the Devil's Bible. on the right page is a depiction of satan. on the left page is a map of the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Kingdom of Heaven circa 1989

 the second picture is what the map to the kingdom of heaven reminds me of.

What I think when I see comic covers..

HULK IS TIRED OF HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!

What I think when I see comic covers..

Let's Play "King of the Flaming Earth", who wins? I do, fascists!

What I think when I see comic covers...

"The world morns for unbalanced solider , Private Johnny Tennent. a fellow enlisted man, one Thad O'Mally noted, 'that guy was way too into those funny books'."

I still love bad movies.

I've decided to use this thingamabob  again. it's been a while.  you could say i was inspired back to blogging by a film. i'll get to a review of that in a bit.  but i'll give you the poster as a form of station identification.

A beast of glory.

I'm in five gangs now. I started two. I started the Kitties and the Grape Slushies.

While hiking the other day, I met a spectral Indian shaman. he said his name was Black Yucatan and he told me that it was time for my dream quest. I was interested but I was naturally apprehensive. I asked him what my dream quest was. and he told me that i had to fight a phantom bear. i was terrified. I may have a bachelors degree in man crushing, but my expertise doesn't extend to phantom bears. but one doesn't shrink in the face of destiny. I accepted the shaman's offer. I then i saw a nearly ten foot grizzly bear made entirely of ectoplasm materialized in front of me. fear had never been a more palpable emotion then right at that moment. the Indian told me to prepare for battle. I immediately moved into the shankara stance I had learned in death camp. then a Rock'em Sock'em Robot game appeared. it was floating between me and my bear foe. Black Yucatan told us to begin. I have never been in a more heated combat, not even in my twenty years in 'Nam. the phantom bear growled at me, my face became wet from the heat of its breath. all other sounds we gone except the clacking of our plastic warriors. the tension was unbearable. my robot took several direct shots to the face. my fight was nearly finished, but I gathered my strength, and found the weak spot in the phantom bear's robot, it's head. I hit it as many times as I could. then at last it's head became detached. i have never seen disappointment in the face of a phantom bear before. but I witnessed it that day. it gave a deafening roar and vanished. Black Yucatan started to laugh. but I would say it sounded more like the screaming of banshees than actual laughter. he told me that to the victor goes the spoils. I asked him what my prize would be. he said " the scent of a woman is a magical thing. you will be given the wondrous aroma of femininity". I began to sparkle and my skin started to tickle. all I could smell was the odor of jet exhaust, dog food, and tobacco smoked from a corn cobb pipe.
I asked " Is this what you think women smell like?" and he only responded with

"You are welcome",

then Black Yucatan exploded like a star.

when I regained consciousness, I was naked, dangling from the branch of a red wood tree, many miles away from home, with a half a dozen earth worms in my mouth. I eventually found my way home, a little stronger and a little wiser.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

The secret leader of Al Qaeda is revealed!

An argument for The Gap Band by Corey Beckner.

I here by state that The Gap Band is the greatest band America ever produced.

Example A: Lyrics from the classic You Dropped A Bomb On Me.

You were my pills, you were my thrills
You were my hope, baby, you were my smoke
You dropped a bomb, hey, babe

Pure poetic genius.

Example B:

This is a picture of them in their prime, excuse the quality of the picture, such glory is difficult to capture on film.

Example C, D, and E:

The videos for

You Dropped A Bomb On Me ,

Early in the Morning,

And Party Train

My Closing Argument:

I want you to think about what I am going to ask you.

What can be better than the music made by funk cowboys?

Thank you for your time.

the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Staring : Alan Arkin ,Christopher Lee , Kate Fitzpatrick, and Michael Pate.

Directed by
Philippe Mora

Netflix Plot Summary: What happens to superheroes when they become has-beens? Captain Invincible, exiled from the U.S. during the McCarthy era, is now a hopeless alcoholic bum living in Australia. But when the sinister Mr. Midnight hatches a plan to annihilate citizens of New York City, the Captain is called back to America to save the day. First, though, he must reactivate those long-dormant superpowers! Alan Arkin and Christopher Lee co-star.


My Verdict : There is absolutely nothing I could say that would compare with just showing you a video of Christopher Lee singing about the glories of alcohol in a song written by Richard O'Brien of Rocky horror fame.

click on the amazing Christopher Lee to download the video.

Hal's trouble with space teens

Found on the something awful forums




There are couple more funny ones here, if you can make it past the blind frat boy bigotry

Six-String Samurai

Staring :Jeffrey Falcon,Justin McGuire, and Stephane Gauger As Death

Writien by
Jeffrey Falcon
Lance Mungia

Directed by
Lance Mungia


IMDB Plot Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world where the Russians have taken over a nuked USA and Elvis is king of Lost Vegas, "Six-String Samurai" chronicles the tale of Buddy (Jeffrey Falcon), a hero who's a '50s rocker and wandering warrior rolled into one, too-cool package. Armed with his six-string in one hand and his sword in the other, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to succeed Elvis as King. Along the way, he saves an orphan (Justin McGuire) who decides to play tag-along to his rescuer. What follows is the road trip from hell.

My Opinion: Six-String Samurai sucks. it has a neat premise that absolutely fails in it's delivery. the acting is the equivalent of  live action animie. it's gargantuanly awful. and the fucking kid in that movie.... if this was my child i would smother him in his sleep and then ask god what i did that angered him so. if i wanted to watch an annoying kid make random noises and generally make me uncomfortable I'd watch my old home movies. i honestly think that digging up buddy holly's bones and pissing on them is less disrespectful to him than this movie.

My Verdict: Fuck this movie, and fuck Rock & Roll for inspiring it.

Cock Soup

Hallowed Be My Name

It's a tradition in some villages in the Andes for most of the town, Men, women, and children as young as ten to wear celebratory head gear and beat the shit out of each other so viscously, that each year on average one person dies.

In Africa in a tribe, a young boy runs over the backs of five bulls as the young women in the tribe taunt a respected outsider to whip them so badly that it will leave scars for the rest of their life. In fact sometimes they have not been whipped enough so they wait until the next day and intimidate the outsider with AK 47's's and get whipped even more.

Even further proof of the harmful effect of violent video games.

News Flash! A female C.H.U.D. interviewed by Access Hollywood.

A long winded comic book review.

Green Lantern # 4 was pretty good.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

I'd call the story "The Mystery of Ernest Borgnine Mountain"

What I think when I see comic book covers...

No Joke can be made here. All I can say, is that I've never needed to read a comic more in my life.

a fine film. even without a single C.H.U.D.

Directed by
Marc Singer

IMDB Plot Summary: Near Penn Station, next to the Amtrak tracks, squatters have been living for years. Marc Singer goes underground to live with them, and films this "family." A dozen or so men and one woman talk about their lives: horrors of childhood, jail time, losing children, being coke-heads. They scavenge, they've built themselves sturdy one-room shacks; they have pets, cook, chat, argue, give each other haircuts. A bucket is their toilet. Leaky overhead pipes are a source of water for showers. They live in virtual darkness. During the filming, Amtrak gives a 30-day eviction notice.


so when i rented this film, i thought the director was the man who played Beastmaster. and my biggest memory of homeless people living in tunnels comes from he movie C. H. U. D. so i rented the film on the basis that i expected to be watching a movie about C.H.U.D.s directed by Beastmaster. or i rented it on the novelty of that idea. i was very moved by this film. one of the things that this film starts out with is one of the men climbing into the tunnels with his voice dubbed over saying ".. you'd be surprised what the mind can adjust to." and you can see it. despite having electricity and a sense of community, a human can't live like that and be happy. this movie does a great job of making you care for these people, even those who it may be difficult to. it also shows how they live and how happy they can be for something that a person in a different situation would take for granted. it has desperation and hope in equal measure. One thing I was very impressed by, was not only how talented the director was, but how much of a wonderful decent person he was. The director lived in the tunnel while filming this, sometimes by choice and others out of necessity of financing the film. Other directors would easily have put themselves into the film, his involvement is non existent in the story of the film itself, but in the extras you find that he promised he'd help get those people out of the tunnels and into apartments and he did. Singer is as humble as he is decent.

My Verdict: Dark Days is a wonderful film that is not only thought provoking and entertaining, but also a film that gives me a little more pride in humanity. Not bad for a flick I thought was directed by Beastmaster.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

The alternate story for this cover was "The Bestial flatulence of Right Hook Larry"