I just don't know

Staring: Felix Ward,Maria Pechukas,Dan Scott and A.J. Lowenthal

Directed by
Eugenie Joseph
Thomas Doran (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")
Brendan Faulkner (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")


IMDB Plot Summary:Taking a wrong turn, travelers find themselves trapped in a mysterious house. One horror after another threatens them as the sorcerer who lives within needs sacrifices to give eternal life to his beautiful bride.

Also Known As:
Twisted Souls (USA) (working title)


Oh boy, I should have known, three directors is a sure fire way of telling a movie is bad. And this film is a paradox if I've ever seen one. It has some of the most unique and interesting things I've seen in a film but it's packaged in the most boring piece of shit. You get, farting zombies, Asian women that turn into spiders, lizard monkey type things,an old wizard teaching his son the dark arts, and the one that got me the most a meowing cat boy with a hook for a hand. All of these things and I still fell asleep in the middle of it. How does such a thing happen? How do you show me things that by all rights should make me love a film, instead I can't keep my eyes open. I can only assume the creators tapped into that hidden formula that should never have been created. All I know is that while I will remember the things I saw in this movie for a long time, but I couldn't get the tape out of the VCR fast enough.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Quite possibly my favorite comic book cover ever. I mean, how do you beat a massive gila monster with a gun and eye beams? you just can't.

"Let us go eat some Yankee brains!"

The Curse Of The Screaming Dead

Staring:Steve Sandkuhler,Christopher Gummer,Rebecca Bach, and Mimi Ishikawa

Directed by
Tony Malanowski

Also Known As:
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
Curse of the Confederate Cannibals


IMDB Plot Outline: A group of Southern deer hunters stop at a church graveyard in the woods. Their activities arouse the corpses of long-dead Confederate soldiers, who attack them

I love zombie movies. This was a zombie movie, and I did not like it. This was a film made in 1982 yet it looks like it was filmed in 1971. The acting is God awful. The special effects are terrible there is no interest in the characters even in seeing them get killed. the one thing I'll say, there are two Asian redneck sisters, one is blind and one is a total bitch and i mean total. she hates like and everyone around her even her sister. and of course the blind one dies and the total bitch survives. even with this dynamic bitchy and blind Asian rednecks I still started to fall asleep during it. There was only one good thing about this movie, and that's a zombie confederate general commanding his undead troops. Now since you have to wait about an hour to even see this flesh eating rebel, Id recommend renting this only for die hard zombie fans or people who have an easily available supply of coffee.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Apparently when you take a panda out of it's natural environment it starts to turn into a demon. It has human eyes. that terrifies me.

A whole lot of wax

Waxwork

Staring: Zach Galligan , Deborah Foreman ,Patrick Macnee, John Rhys-Davies, Miles O'Keeffe and David Warner.

Written & Directed by Anthony Hickox.

IMDB Plot Outline: A wax museum owner uses his horror exhibits to unleash evil on the world.

Zach Galligan of gremlins fame stars in these two films. The first waxwork starts off with Zach's character being berated by his mother for talking to their butler. I think this was put in the film so we could all relate to the character. I know my mother just hated when I fraternized with the help. We get some standard 80's horror movie bits but David Warner opening the waxwork that leads the cast into some neat little homage's of horror film history; by stepping past the velvet rope in front of an exhibit you enter that particular world of wax. You get your werewolves, zombies, vampires, mummies, and of course who can think of those and not expect to see The Marquis de Sade right along with them. This film has some nice moments, but for me the highlight of the film is at the end, where a group of elderly people come to stop these wax monsters from destroying the world. If you have an old man sword fighting with a werewolf, I will love the movie. I think for the final battle scene alone, this movie is worth the couple bucks for the rental.

Waxwork II: Lost in Time

Staring: Zach Galligan ,Monika Schnarre, Bruce Campbell,Alexander Godunov,Michael Des Barres,Marina Sirtis, Patrick Macnee, and David Carradine.

Written & Directed by Anthony Hickox.

IMDB Plot Outline: In this sequel, a couple must use a portal through time to defeat evil.


Then we come to waxwork II, it picks up right where the first movie ends and this time, instead of entering the waxwork, it's just a special necklace that allows the characters to hop into different worlds, now I learned something from this movie, I learned that if Sam Raimi ever stopped walking suddenly that this director's nose would go right up is ass. This movie tries to be evil dead but fails completely; it just makes me sad that Bruce Campbell actually made a small appearance in this film. While not the worst film I've ever seen, I will say it might be the dumbest. I seriously can't think of a reason for anyone to rent this unless they get the two movies on one disc like I did. Even then, only watch it if you have two hours to waste.

.....i can still see it when i close my eyes.

Staring: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak,Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr., Udo Kier, and Coolio.

Written & Directed by
Darrell Roodt

IMDB Plot Outline: Count Dracula terrorizes the crew of a spaceship.


This might be the worst movie I've ever seen. If there is a movie that I have seen that's worse than this, than I must have erased it from my memory, for the sake of my own sanity. The whole time I had my fists clenched. This fucking movie....... you know, there is nothing that I can say that can properly describe how awful this movie really is. Never watch this film. EVER. i can only paraphrase James Downey from the movie Billy Madison -

Dracula 3000 is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in it's rambling, incoherent plot was it even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone who has seen this film is now dumber for having watched it. I recommend this film to no one, and to those in the cast and crew, may God have mercy on your souls.

Quite possibly the greatest thing ever put on film.

Zombie Vs. Shark

What I think when I see comic book covers...

I like that we get to see into gorilla culture, apparently if you lose an eye and have a flair for cooking, you are involved with witchcraft.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

It's ok honey, you're a big girl now, it's time you learned about something called Menstruation.

A touching story of a girl and her zombie nazi father.

Staring : Howard Vernon, Pierre-Marie Escourrou, and Anouchka.

Directed by
Jean Rollin

IMDB Plot Summary: In a small village, somewhere in France, dead German soldiers, killed and thrown into the lake by the Resistance during WW II, come back.

This movie hurt me. But I was entertained by it. I think there were only two selling points for which this movie got financed. Vagina and Nazi zombies. This is a German film that has more bushes in the first 20 minutes then all of Fahrenheit 9/11. Zombies come back to life to kill village woman because the villagers murdered them during the World War II. There are many reasons to rent this dvd, first of all being the touching story of love between one of the nazi zombies and his daughter, he loves her so much that he's willing to fight the other zombies to protect her, and I dare you to tell me that you don't want to see a nazi zombie knife fight. A feature on the dvd are alternate "clothed" scenes, which I can assume were only filmed so that the movie could be shown in America. Personally, I think more films should have this option. Who wouldn't like an About Schmidt dvd with a clothed Kathy Bates scene or for the horror fans, a copy of The Burning where you don't see Fisher Stevens' and Jason Alexander's assholes. Maybe one of these days. but zombie lake is not a good movie, not by a long shot. The acting is so bad that I almost thought it was done that way on purpose, but it wasn't, it makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier in comparison. The dubbing was done by three 16 year old boys and one girl in a basement, I'm sure of this. Even though it had all this going against it, it was still a entertaining movie. Or maybe I'm easily pleased. Who knows?

Freaks and models are ways to get me to like a movie.

Staring: Cristina Raines, Chris Sarandon, Burgess Meredith, Eli Wallach, Jerry Orbach, Beverly D'Angelo, Jeff Goldblum, and Christopher Walken.

Directed by
Michael Winner


IMDB Plot Summary: A fashion model moves into a house inhabited (on the top floor) by a blind priest. She begins having strange physical problems, has trouble sleeping at night, and has some nasty flashbacks of her attempted suicide. She complains to the real estate agent of the noise caused by her strange neighbors, but finds out that the house is only occupied by the priest and herself, and ultimately discovers that she has been put in the house for a reason.


This is a weird movie. Cristina Raines is a young model in New York, who wants to live in a different apartment from her boyfriend Chris Sarandon and have some space but still be together. the first thing that struck me about this movie was the scene where this girl after her father's funeral she has a flash back to her suicide attempt caused by walking in on her elderly father in the middle of an orgy with fat women shoving cake into his wrinkled mouth. This made me think, "Hmm. this is twisted. i will enjoy this." as the girl is moving into her apartment she's told about the blind priest that lives on the top floor. she's getting settled when she meets Burgess Meredith he's a kind old man who always walks around with a canary on his shoulder and a cat in his hands. it was lovely. she later introduces herself to Beverly D'Angelo and her older female room mate, it becomes pretty obvious that Ms. D'Angelo and her room mate are lesbians, because she starts to masturbate in front of our leading lady. because as we know all lesbians can't stop masturbating in public. Later Burgess Meredith throws a party for his cat inviting everyone in the building is there except for the old blind priest. later that night she's woken up by what sounds like Andre the giant tap dancing on the floor above her, she talks to her super and the super tells her that the only person living in that apartment building is her and the old priest. Meanwhile there's a whole different story with Chris Sarandon Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken. Chris Sarandon was investigated after his wife committed suicide and Eli Waallach and Christopher Walken are not about to let him do it again. So Cristina Raines is randomly going unconscious and fell onto a window at her filming of a commercial. Jerry Orbach plays a pissy director and I’m sure the two scenes with Jeff Goldblum his voice was over dubbed. So she goes home after the accident on the set and hears the loud noises again and she goes up stairs in her nightie and with a knife and ends up cutting up her dead father with a knife. which is quite fantastic. Chris Sarandon is searching all over to find out what's happening to his girlfriend, he ends up breaking into a church to find the secret of the priest that lives up on the top floor. It seems that a group of people for hundreds of years, attempt suicide only to disappear and secretly change their names and become part of the clergy. This leads him to break in the old priests room and discover that the building is a gateway to hell, and that Cristina Raines is the next in line to guard it. Things start going to crazy as Burgess Meredith walks out with a legion of freaks. Some with make up some naturally deformed. And I'm telling you TV's penguin is the perfect Satan. It also has a naked Beverly D'Angelo eating the corpse of Chris Sarandon. then the ceremony is done and Cristina Raines has taken the old priests place and all is well.

The first place i heard of this film was it being mentioned by the Corey Feldman character in the burbs. There are some scenes that were truly disturbing, if you can find this movie rent it.

A Lovely British Horror Film

Staring: Jamie Bell, Ruaidhri Conroy, Laurence Fox, and Andy Serkis


Written and Directed by
Michael J. Bassett

IMDB Plot Summary:In the middle of World War I, nine British soldiers caught behind enemy lines seek refuge in a complex network of German trenches. What they soon discover is that they aren't alone...and it isn't a German soldier that's hunting them down


I saw this film at my local blockbuster, and i didn't have to much hope in it being that great. Even though Clive Barker said it was a good and creative film. I didn't want to get my hopes up, the last time I listened to a horror director that i respect on a cover of a movie box, it was Tobe Hooper and that movie was house of 1000 corpses. And that film was god awful. Well, much to my surprise, this film was wonderful. Clive did not steer me wrong. It has Jamie Bell from "Billy Elliot." as a terrified sixteen year old soldier who lied about his age to get into the army. it also stars Andy Serkis who is best known as the voice of Gollum from the lord of the rings films, as a insane soldier who wears furs and uses clubs against his enemies. Both actors give fine performances.There are certain scenes in the film which made me understand why Clive liked this film so much, if you're a fan of his work like I am, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. this movie actually had some creepy moments , and I thought that wasn't possible since I've become so jaded with horror. it a nice change of pace from the slasher formula of " tits-blood-tits-shitty rock song-tits and more blood-" don't get me wrong, I love that type of stuff, but once in a while it's good to cleanse the pallet with something of quality. This movie is that pallet cleanser. I highly recommend it.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Beware the silver duck dj's from mars!

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Thataway to salvation!

when you find a laser gun in a desert, don't pick it up.

Staring: Kim Milford,Cheryl Smith, Keenan Deezen, and Roddy McDowall.

Directed by
Michael Rae

IMDB Plot Outline: A teenager stumbles upon an alien weapon, which transform him into a grotesque killer.


I loved this movie. Not because it was good, but because it didn't offer any explanation for any of the insane shit that was going on. so young Billy gets kicked around all his life, can drag race with the other boys, his girlfriend forces him to go to parties he doesn't want to go to, her grandfather is an old crazy colonel that threatens to shoot him all the time. It’s just the way of his life, which is until he finds a laser gun out in the desert, along with activating device that doubles as a necklace. Two guys try to rape his girlfriend, he gets them off of her but she begs him not to do anything. Later that same night, we see him with his laser gun. He blows up the car of the would be rapists. but we see that the gun takes a toll on young William. it seems the more he uses the weapon, the more he turns into a hideous monster. but when he wakes up in the morning, all that's left is a growth were the necklace rests. His girlfriend suggests that he should go to the doctor; naturally the doctor is Roddy McDowall. The doctor takes this mysterious growth and has it analyzed, but on his way back Billy pulls out his gun and kills Roddy. Now while this is going on, there are stop motion aliens that are watching Billy from their space ship and i can't tell if they are pleased with what he's doing or angry. Billy and his girlfriend make love on the grass and while Billy sleeps, she puts the necklace and thus turns him back into a monster. From this point on, Billy goes around killing everyone he sees, he sees a Star Wars billboard on the side of the road and it's almost as if the director wanted to say "move over Star Wars, here comes LASERBLAST!!" Billy wreaks some more havoc until he's in the middle of the street after having blown a few cars into nonexistence when the aliens come down and kill him. They leave without taking back their laser gun. The final shot is that of a dead Billy being cradled by his girlfriend. Not one single explanation and to me, that is just courage. I respect their detachment from plot and even dialogue at times and their love of props and interpretive dance. Rent this movie, but only if you are ready to think.

and now, for no reason, the newest mix cd i've been working on.

I call this one:

"Doug Bradley's Reason For Living"

Queen - Flash's Theme
Huey Lewis and the News - Workin' for a livin'
The Doors - Love Me Two Times
Soundgarden - Girl U Want ( cover of the devo song)
John Lennon - Instant Karma
Radiohead - Karma Police
Skid Row - 18 and Life
Stone Temple Pilots - Too Cool Queenie
The Clash - Spanish Bombs
The Ramones - Danny Says
Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend
Kiss - I Love It Loud
Human League - Don't You Want Me
Desert Sessions - I Wanna Make It Wit Chu
Jackie Wilson - (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher
Dead Kennedys - Too Drunk To Fuck
Stevie Wonder - I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)
The Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
Johnny Cash - Personal Jesus ( best cover song ever)
Kenny Loggins - Nobody's Fool ( yes, i end with the theme from Caddyshack II. it's what we call balls, people.)

I've had it with vh1.

OK, i enjoyed the list shows for a while. but now it's just getting snotty. i was watching the "awesomely bad metal songs" and they have fucking dio's last in line and danzig's mother on the list. and the reason? you shouldn't have the word mother in a metal song. these people shitting on music that most of them haven't even listened to on even a tiny scale. fuck you vh1 and your need to make yourself feel better by shitting on others.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

You got to hand it to that superman, after killing the random hobo, he'll just kill his friends. Bat shit insane.

You can't fight the hemoglobin heroin.

Staring: Adrian Rawlins, Lee Blakemore, and Phil Cornwell.

Directed by
Charly Cantor

IMDB Plot Outline: 20 years ago, Carl was responsible for genetically engineering a girl with narcotic blood. Now he's brought her home - and the boundaries between love and addiction are becoming increasingly blurred.

That image on the cover appears nowhere in the film itself. And I was pleased by that, I expected it to be something like darkness falls or maybe ever a blockbuster horror rental. But it turned out to be a decent movie. This movie was more psychological that horror. Ok, so you save a girl with addictive blood from the junkies that keep her captive and take her home. She becomes a member of the family eventually stops walking around naked and starts acclimatizing with her surroundings and then becomes your sons best friend and spends hours playing Nintendo 64 with him. So it's almost kind of a sweet adoption story until the dad sees his creation get a cut on her finger and he can help but her apparently orgasmic addictive blood. But because whatever amount she loses she needs returned nine times over, it starts a situation that leads to affairs, divorce and junkie behavior. It's a highly sexual movie but not in the standard tawdry horror way. I know I'd find it hard to fight off the charms of Miss Lee Blakemore and that's without the drug blood. I was surprised by how good this movie was, especially because I first saw the trailer of this film on the DVD of the god awful movie called Vampires vs. Zombies. I both like and dislike this movie, I like it because it's a quality film, I dislike it because it means that there might be more diamonds in the rough, but it almost definitely means hours of shit to find them. But take it from me, this is a decent movie.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Jesus, that Superman is one hardcore mother fucker. "Here, dress like me and let me watch you die slowly". That's some twisted shit.