What I think when I see comic book covers...

Yes Superman, crash through the wall so you don't get wet. Great thinking, ass.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

Hey, how about you just stop acting like such a douche bag and just tell your brother the truth. He shouldn't be too shockable, I mean he is standing in front of a robot Sherlock Homes.

The Carradine - Campbell Vampire Connection.

Staring:David Carradine,Maxwell Caulfield,Deborah Foreman, and Bruce Campbell

Directed by
Anthony Hickox


IMDB Plot Summary : Reclusive vampires lounge in a lonely American town. They wear sun cream to protect themselves. A descendant of Van Helsing arrives with hilarious consequences.

i loved this movie. it's a vampire western, for heaven's sake. it's not a work of art but it's fun to watch. so there was this blood scientist and his family unknowingly moving to the vampire town, to work on a creation of artificial blood. this is so David Carradine can have his world were vampires aren't hunted by humans for killing them. But he didn't know that there was an underground movement to go back to the killing ways. Lead by the town preacher. And we also find that one of the rebels has slept with the scientist's wife back in collage. This role is played by Maxwell Caulfield. So basically he's a massive douche bag. We also have the story of the descendant of Van Helsing coming into town, played by Bruce Campbell. Like most of his roles, it plays off his amazing slapstick ability and as he comes into town one of the vampires played by Deborah Foreman (of Waxwork "fame" if you can really say fame to that). She falls in love with Bruce and he's eventually turned into a vampire by David Carradine to make Deborah happy. All of these little plots lead into the town shoot out. Vampires using guns with wooden bullets. It all ends with David Carradine Having to have a draw with the leader of the opposition, the vampire preacher. The preacher is sure he'll win because he's the oldest vampire in town (and the older you are the stronger and quicker you are). Carradine is quicker and kills the preacher, caradine then says "I had to change my name because that damn bram stoker book." but even finding out David Carradine is dracula wasn't going to stop the rest of the rebels. That's when suddenly the blood scientist erects a massive cross. And all vampires shield their eyes. Then it becomes obvious that only the murderous rebels are the ones burning and melting. So in a scene that made this movie easily worth the rental price is David Carradine as dracula looking up at the cross with tears in his eyes saying "we have been forgiven..." I mean you don't get much better than that, folks. If you want a silly vampire movie to rent, this will not disappoint.

I want to get drunk in a Forest.
I want to dance in a submarine.
I want to punch an elephant.
I want to be poignant.
I want to be meaningless.
I want to watch the Adams family.
I want a girl that has my sense of humor.
I want to fuck.
I want to laugh.
I want to sing.
I want to eat a club sandwich.
I want to be stronger.
I want to forget.
I want a sixth season of angel.
I want a cigarette that won't kill me.
I want a different president.
I want to be a kinder person.
I want to find a large roll of hundred dollar bills.
I want more hits on my blog.
I want to meditate.
I want my brother to stop mixing apple juice and jack daniels and calling it apple jacks.
I want a different body.
I want a new Friday the 13th movie.
I want to break windows.
I want the clock to roll back.
I want the special edition of big trouble in little china.
I want to be somebody's best man.
I want to be green lantern.
I want to meet new people.
I want more comments on my journal.
I want new socks.
I want to hug my dad.
I want to be a pirate next Halloween.
I want a funeral like Graham Chapman's.
I want to break into a candy store and leave some candy.
I want be a good father.
I want to live in a log cabin near a lake.
I want to be respected.
I want the greatest hits of the fabulous thunderbirds.
I want love.
I want a lot of fucking things, it looks like.

Ladies of the night with gardening equipment has never felt so right.

Staring : Gunnar Hansen,Linnea Quigley, and Jay Richardson


Directed by
Fred Olen Ray


IMDB Plot Summary: Jack Chandler is a private eye tracking down Samantha the runaway. In his travels, he comes across a gang of chainsaw wielding prostitutes that like to carve people up for their cult.


This is the kind of movie that we just don't get anymore. Yeah, you get your skin flicks, and your super cheap blockbuster horror rentals (of which Jay Richardson and Linnea Quigley have stared in frequently) , but they don't have the same charm as a Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. It's pretty easy to understand when you see this little warning at the start of the film. This movie had it all, nudity, the allure of Hollywood, nudity, the religious significance of the chainsaw, nudity, and of course, hookers galore (and nudity). Ok, so this movie is obviously a piece of shit. But it's a piece of shit with a likeable attitude. it went about its mediocrity with a wink and a smile, And that helps the medicine go down smoothly. So many movies of this type put out today are so "oh here is a spoof of planet of the apes called Play Mate of the Apes and it's nothing but terrifying lesbian sex scenes". No, that's not how you do it. I want my awful story, I want my ancient Egyptian cult of the chainsaw lead by the guy who played Leatherface. I want my shitty film noir attempt, and yes God damn it, I want hookers with chainsaws!

Yeah, and if there was a God, it would have stayed "lost"

The Lost Empire

Staring: Bill Thornbury, Raven De La Croix, Robert Tessier, and Angus Scrimm.

Written & Directed by Jim Wynorski

IMDB Plot Summary : After officer Rob Wolfe is killed trying to stop a gang of ninjas from robbing a jewelery store, his sister, officer Angel Wolfe, vows to avenge his death. Her investigation leads her to the mysterious Dr. Sin Do, who is supposedly in league with an undead wizard named Lee Chuck. The doctor is holding a martial arts tournament on a secret island fortress, so Angel, after rounding up some of her martial-artist friends, enters the tournament in the hopes of finding Sin Do and Lee Chuck and bringing them to justice.




Ok, so this is a titty movie. I didn't know that when I rented it. I also didn't know it had Angus Scrimm. When I rented it I thought I'd be getting some cheap Flash Gordon knock off. Boy, was I wrong. It not only has the tall man but Bill Thornbury who played Jody from phantasm as well. I wonder what sort of debt they were both in because not even tits or angus scrimm could save this movie. I fell asleep twice while watching this movie. I had to stop it and start again the next day. This movie is essentially a blur to me. I remember the Robert Tessier character ogling women. He also had the most ridiculous eyebrows I have ever seen. I remember random shots of Raven De La Croix's breasts. It wasn't even titillating (no pun intended), it was just there. Oh Angus Scrimm is a thousand year old Asian man who just turned into a demon. I found no satisfaction in any of this. And when I find no satisfaction from Angus Scrimm tearing his flesh off to reveal his true self, something is terribly wrong. The only joy I felt was when this movie ended. There is no reason to watch this movie, if you want breasts, watch cinimax, if you want Angus Scrimm, rent phantasm. Do yourself a favor, if you ever see the cover of the vhs box, turn around and pretend you didn't see anything.

The True Power Of Science

Choke Canyon

Staring :Stephen Collins,Janet Julian, and Lance Henriksen

Directed by
Charles Bail


IMDB Plot Outline: A "cowboy"-scientist is fighting a corporation who wants to dump atomic waste on a piece of land he has leased.


A cowboy scientist. that really says it all doesn't it? this is Steven Collins finest role post star trek the motion picture and pre 7th heaven. and Lance Henriksen puts in a nice showing as well. Now, if you are fan of science being portrayed accurately, then don't watch this movie, but if you want your science with a cowboy had and an attitude, then choke canyon is right up your alley. this is not the stuff that those eggheads at those universities do, this is the true science. Steven Collins is a Cowboy scientist who has figured out that if he can bring Haley's comet into choke canyon he would be able to use the sound waves as an inexhaustible source of energy for the world. No, I'm not making this up. everything is going well until Lance Henriksen representing an evil corporation plans on dumping toxic waste in the canyon. This sets up a chain of events that can only be explained by the words "COWBOY SCIENCE". But ultimately there is only one reason to watch this movie. The chase scene at the end of this film is just lovely. it involves a helicopter that is carrying a plastic ball filled with toxic waste, a by-plane, and two buses filled with tourists. Steven Collins needs to bring the ball of toxic waste to a congress man for a proper investigation to start, needless to say, the evil corporation doesn't want to display one of their toxic balls. so the cowboy scientist steals the helicopter but is then chased by the by-plane. the chase takes an intense turn when Steven Collins has to set down on a bus to lose the corporation lackey. but the lackey knows that turnabout is fair play and lands his by-plane on another tour bus. So the chase is now taking place between two buses with aircraft on top of them. Steven has his helicopter lift off but not before some more corporate scum latch on to the ball. So he hands control of the helicopter and slides down the high tension wire to fight the bad guy. Steven kicks the man off, and then finally, the helicopter lands in front of a city hall with Steven Collins standing on a ball of toxic waste. the corporation gets theirs, and then Mr. Collins puts his "COWBOY SCIENCE" to good use and makes a comet fly through a canyon. Watch this movie if only for the opportunity to witness (I think unintentionally) a sexual metaphor on a planetary scale.

Patrick Swayze...... Will I ever trust you again?

Steel Dawn

Staring Patrick Swayze,Lisa Niemi, Brion James , Arnold Vosloo, and Brett Hool

Directed by Lance Hool

imdb plot outline:In a post-apocalyptic world, a warrior wandering through the desert comes upon a group of settlers who are being menaced by a murderous gang that is after the water they control.

Oh, where do I begin with Steel Dawn? When I saw an add for this my hopes were high because I saw Patrick Swayze with a sword. And I assumed that meant it would, A) be pretty bad, and B) at least be somewhat entertaining. oh lord, was I wrong. I can forgive the awful science. But I cannot forgive the acting or the dialogue. Arnold Vosloo , who later went on to play the mummy, showed why, one day, he would be perfectly suited to play a five thousand year old corpse. The late Brion James was hardly known for his acting skill, but even he could do better than the output in this film. then there is Brett Hool. i think we can safely assume he is related to the director. his performance is so terrible, that I'd say that he makes Jake Lloyd from Phantom Menace looks like a decent actor in comparison. the whole thing reminds me too much of the Jesse Cameron-Glickenhaus Tragedy that is Time Master for me to even continue talking about it.Lisa Niemi's acting skill cannot be why Patrick Swayze married her. But that's fine, not everyone is an actor, but all she had to do was have chemistry with someone she had been married to by that point for twelve years. she didn't and neither did he. I'm a fan of Patrick Swayze. i defend him in conversations. I'm always the one who says "yeah but what about Point Break and Donnie Darko?" and that normally helps my argument. but this is just another stone on the atlas sized bulk of shitty movies he's done. there was a chase scene in this movie that, i swear on the memory of my grandfather, that was only moving about 6 miles per hour. this movie was so bad that i caught myself thinking what if this was a part of a never finished trilogy that started with Red Dawn. i had to entertain myself, because the movie sure as shit wasn't going to. I expected a little more out of Patrick Swayze. Watch Steel Dawn only when normal methods of euthanasia are not permitted.

that's powerful stuff

So smallville is heading down the road that I can only call "charmed avenue" if it keeps on the path, I'll getting off at the next exit.

ps.

On drawn together they alluded to what is essentially "Link" from legend of zelda getting sucked off by Elmer Fudd. also sponge bob square pants as well as God getting confused by a glory hole. I am not religious and I was offended. that show just got a permanent fan.

pps

I seriously have to have sex with Gwen Stafani. i'm gonna have to get to work on that soon. i've put it off too long.

New layout.

And that's pretty much it. I watched "the wicker man" (which was wonderful) as well as "steel dawn"(which was shit) today, I'll post reviews on those later.


Edit: i'll also work out the kinks later.

Eight random thoughts and things that are going on with me.

1) It amazes me how insane this tribal mentality is getting. Sorry if I don't automatically hate someone who voted for bush. i may hate what he stands for but people have the right to vote for him. Should I turn in my liberal club card?

2) i found out I'm second cousins with Angus Scrimm. Time to get me some of that Phantasm money!

3) I had the idea of killing everyone else on the earth with the name Corey. I'd save Corey Feldman and Corey Haim for last, for their crime is the most severe. I should probably be on some sort of medication.

4) I had a dream last night that I was on a road trip and I pulled off the road in Arizona and all of a sudden a large group of people picked me up and took me to a massive amphitheater and then awarded me with the title "King Douche Bag". OK, I didn't dream that, but it would be cool if did.

5) I think the smiths and Morrissey are a bit overrated I've only ever liked "how soon is now" and it's not enough to get me to fawn over them. I do love Robert Smith though, even though he's starting to look like pizza the hutt.

6) i want to gather together the few people left on the planet that have the captain power tapes and toy ships and somehow make a Clandestine society that's only goal is to make our future like that on the tapes we watched as kids.

7) I keep on fucking missing scrubs. The venture brothers too. Also apparently Ronnie James fucking Dio played the theater just before Halloween. This pisses me off. I tell you if my large Irish head wasn't attached to my body it would just float away.

8) the other day i was asked this question "What WAS Kids Incorporated?" and answered quickly by saying "it was essentially the Mickey Mouse Club for the 80's". but inside that question exposed feelings i didn't even know were there. not only did that show give us high quality levels of children over acting, but it also lovingly marginalized songs from the current and previous generations. its responsible for Martika who gave us the wonderful single "toy soldiers", Ryan Lambert who played "Rudy" in monster squad , Mario López Slater of "Saved by the bell" fame,Jennifer Love Hewitt , and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (and she was also in Mr. T's rock opera "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool!") No normal show could give us so much. So on the surfice I had an answer for the question, but inside, I just had to ask myself, "What WAS Kids Incorporated?"

"I dont eat meat unless it's Dick Nixon."

Chistpher Lee IS Dracula to me. just look at the guy.
oh and look at this because it's awesome.

I am going to comic con next year. And I will dress up like a Klingon and I will make a total ass out of myself.

Today my brother and I had to choose between this:



and this:


We ended up choosing the second but either way, we're awesome.

and now some words from the mouth of that preacher...

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

And fellas, you got to watch it, When she wind up, she bottom, she go like a rocket!

i stared at this for way too long.
confusing but enjoyable
just fucking confusing.
i really shouldn't find this as funny as i do.
huh?
this is just beautiful

Watched an old episode of E.R. last night. God damn, do i loves me the Maura Tierney.

I probably shouldn't be admitting this, but I have a fantasy that if I'm dating a girl, she'd be wearing one of my T-shirts and be in her panties, lip synching and dancing to Harry Belafonte's Jump In The Line (Shake Senora).

this is Glorious music.

P.S.

this has nothing to do with anything, but National Treasure looks so incredibly fucking awful. I must see it.

P.P.S.

And now for my message from the future

I see a world where the blue states secede from the nation, where the red have their total Christians values, where gays and blacks and liberals are shipped away to the blue California and blue New York. Where the red nation gets what it want, a perfect white Christian nation. Blonde hair blue eyes and money and Jesus. Where country music is the national music. And where the blue nation has its world where gay marriage and abortions go on into infinity, where cloning and prostitution, the legalization of drugs, and the use of embryonic stem cells are free and clear. Where Hollywood movie stars fill all levels of government, where those who want their God based and godless societies may have just that. if these two nations ever went to war we'd have the red with all the guns and off road vehicles and all soldiers bathed in holy water before battle and the songs of Toby Keith play on forever to inspire the troops, and the blue would have an unending amount of clones of Brad Pitt and other actors who have no weapons but are protected by the layer of dead baby cells that protects them and can regenerate any injury. I'm from blue, how about you?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

OK folks, here is the deal. I got very sick and needed some bed rest for a little bit. I'm still on the road to recovery so subjecting myself to really shitty movies would be an unwise move health wise right now. But I'll be back with more awful film reviews than ever.


With love and landmines

Captain Corey

Witness Pat Morita paying off his water bill.

Timemaster

staring Jesse Cameron-Glickenhaus, Pat Morita , Michelle Williams ,Veronica Cameron-Glickenhaus, and Michael Dorn

directed by James Glickenhaus

First off, I would like to say that I did not rent or buy this movie, that is was given as a gift. I think I feel both honored and offended when I think about that now. This is a movie about an alternate time line where time travelers go to every era and have gladiatorial combat with their agents, all in an effort to win the most important drug ever created, "blue". Once you've taken blue, you need regular doses or you'll die of old age. Because, of course, blue is a drug that stops the ageing process. I think we all saw this plot coming when we saw that Pat Morita was in it. Young Jessie is who lives with his sister at orphanage is apparently the master of time as he now dreams about how his father is one of the best time gladiators, this makes him run away but not before haven't the worst acted scene, I have ever scene that was not done by chimps. His goodbye to his sister is so bad; you think that the emotional connection would be there because of the fact that really is his sister playing his sister. But no such luck, he leaves and this leads him to Pat Morita who guides him through time for no apparent reason. We see many stupid sights and are supposed to be awed at the time stream which is basically bubbles. he goes to the old west and meets Michelle Williams, they get friendly and they hop back to the future, where we now see his sister has become a biker chick and basically hates him for abandoning her all while Michael Dorn's henchmen (oh did I forget to tell you that he was the mastermind behind the whole gladiator thing? sorry.) chase them off to go bouncing with time bubbles again. It all ends with well with Pat Morita explaining that his is addicted to blue, and that the world won't explode because of Michael Dorn. Things go back to normal and everyone is happy.

Now, one of the many things that bugged me about this movie would be the obvious nepotism. Jesse Cameron-Glickenhaus plays Jessie. Veronica Cameron-Glickenhaus plays Veronica. The movie is directed by James Glickenhaus, their father. Now, Jessie was in three movies according to imdb.com, all three directed by his father, in all three of them he was named Jessie. This blows my mind. I'm ok with nepotism, because I bet it must be so difficult to get into Hollywood and get started in the business. So a little short cut is fine with me, but my only stipulation is that they have some modicum of talent. Judging by what I've seen, the Glickenhaus children could not act their way out of paper sack. I mean, just the fact that all of Jessie's characters are named Jessie proves that, he obviously had a hard time responding to a name that wasn't his, but I don't blame them; I blame their father, who is obviously one of those parents that forces their kids into something they don't want to do. Please people, if you think your kid is cute and can act, don't do it. Don't make them into another Jessie Cameron Glickenhaus.

What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

"It's insane, this guy's taint"

Man, do I feel like shit. I feel so damn weak. I'm sure going through a bit of nicotine withdrawal dosen't help. But the worst part is that I wanted to head to the beach today. That is so not happening.

On the bright side, I did just watch the Mr. Show fourth season DVD. That's some wonderful stuff. I fucking love that monk academy sketch. So fantastic.

You know, I just absolutely love the law & order shows.

so I read ultimate spider-man #66, and I just found it funny how when a fan asks in a letter in powers, if the ultimate spider-man will ever meet the original spider-man and bedis says " eww, what is this, dc?" yet he has wolverine and spider-man having switched bodies. Oh that's right, only dc does the totally unbelievable shit, I'm sorry I forgot.

The only thing I truly love about the bush presidency, is the fact that the I could totally see the first lady catching squirrels and ripping off their heads with her teeth.. And that's pretty awesome.

Sorry, but I feel the need to repeat my mission statement.

FUCK JASON X.




I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

Green Lantern - Homecoming?

So the "Homecoming?" story line in green lantern just finished. And I have to say, I'm glad this might be the last time Ron Marz writes green lantern. while my favorite green lantern is Hal Jordan, don't let that make you think that I'm a Kyle hater. I'm a fan of all green lanterns. but Kyle under Ron Marz was not much of a character in my mind. they tried to make him too much like Peter Parker in my opinion. and it wasn't until Judd Winick came on the book that the character actually started to grow. but Hal is coming back and they needed to rap up Kyle's book. i was hoping Mr. Marz would not return Kyle to the way he was when the character was created, but for all intents and purposes he did. the moment Ron comes on board, Kyle's like turns to shit and he starts the self pity ride. there's also the fact of the book completely retreading old territory, but I still could see this story possibly having a nice conclusion it didn't have it. In the final issue in the arc Kyle is about to murder major force and then all of a sudden Kyle suddenly listens to this man he wants dead, and gets talked into giving up his ring. This is not the character I have come to like. I hope that Kyle is written better under Geoff Johns than he was under his creator.