Captain Corey

...And King Koopa was brought low before him.

2010-08-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

The Kingdom of Heaven circa the 13th century

this is from the Codex Gigas. aka the Devil's Bible. on the right page is a depiction of satan. on the left page is a map of the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Kingdom of Heaven circa 1989

the second picture is what the map to the kingdom of heaven reminds me of.

What I think when I see comic covers..

2010-07-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

HULK IS TIRED OF HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!

What I think when I see comic covers..

2010-07-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

Let's Play "King of the Flaming Earth", who wins? I do, fascists!

What I think when I see comic covers...

2010-07-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

"The world morns for unbalanced solider , Private Johnny Tennent. a fellow enlisted man, one Thad O'Mally noted, 'that guy was way too into those funny books'."

I still love bad movies.

2010-07-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

I've decided to use this thingamabob again. it's been a while. you could say i was inspired back to blogging by a film. i'll get to a review of that in a bit. but i'll give you the poster as a form of station identification.

2007-06-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

A beast of glory.

I'm in five gangs now. I started two. I started the Kitties and the Grape Slushies.

2007-05-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

While hiking the other day, I met a spectral Indian shaman. he said his name was Black Yucatan and he told me that it was time for my dream quest. I was interested but I was naturally apprehensive. I asked him what my dream quest was. and he told me that i had to fight a phantom bear. i was terrified. I may have a bachelors degree in man crushing, but my expertise doesn't extend to phantom bears. but one doesn't shrink in the face of destiny. I accepted the shaman's offer. I then i saw a nearly ten foot grizzly bear made entirely of ectoplasm materialized in front of me. fear had never been a more palpable emotion then right at that moment. the Indian told me to prepare for battle. I immediately moved into the shankara stance I had learned in death camp. then a Rock'em Sock'em Robot game appeared. it was floating between me and my bear foe. Black Yucatan told us to begin. I have never been in a more heated combat, not even in my twenty years in 'Nam. the phantom bear growled at me, my face became wet from the heat of its breath. all other sounds we gone except the clacking of our plastic warriors. the tension was unbearable. my robot took several direct shots to the face. my fight was nearly finished, but I gathered my strength, and found the weak spot in the phantom bear's robot, it's head. I hit it as many times as I could. then at last it's head became detached. i have never seen disappointment in the face of a phantom bear before. but I witnessed it that day. it gave a deafening roar and vanished. Black Yucatan started to laugh. but I would say it sounded more like the screaming of banshees than actual laughter. he told me that to the victor goes the spoils. I asked him what my prize would be. he said " the scent of a woman is a magical thing. you will be given the wondrous aroma of femininity". I began to sparkle and my skin started to tickle. all I could smell was the odor of jet exhaust, dog food, and tobacco smoked from a corn cobb pipe.
I asked " Is this what you think women smell like?" and he only responded with

"You are welcome",

then Black Yucatan exploded like a star.

when I regained consciousness, I was naked, dangling from the branch of a red wood tree, many miles away from home, with a half a dozen earth worms in my mouth. I eventually found my way home, a little stronger and a little wiser.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2006-02-16T14:35:00.000-08:00

The secret leader of Al Qaeda is revealed!

An argument for The Gap Band by Corey Beckner.

2005-10-27T02:22:00.000-07:00

I here by state that The Gap Band is the greatest band America ever produced.

Example A: Lyrics from the classic You Dropped A Bomb On Me.

You were my pills, you were my thrills
You were my hope, baby, you were my smoke
You dropped a bomb, hey, babe

Pure poetic genius.

Example B:

This is a picture of them in their prime, excuse the quality of the picture, such glory is difficult to capture on film.

Example C, D, and E:

The videos for

You Dropped A Bomb On Me ,

Early in the Morning,

And Party Train

My Closing Argument:

I want you to think about what I am going to ask you.

What can be better than the music made by funk cowboys?

Thank you for your time.

the greatest movie I have ever seen.

2005-09-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Staring : Alan Arkin ,Christopher Lee , Kate Fitzpatrick, and Michael Pate.

Directed by
Philippe Mora

Netflix Plot Summary: What happens to superheroes when they become has-beens? Captain Invincible, exiled from the U.S. during the McCarthy era, is now a hopeless alcoholic bum living in Australia. But when the sinister Mr. Midnight hatches a plan to annihilate citizens of New York City, the Captain is called back to America to save the day. First, though, he must reactivate those long-dormant superpowers! Alan Arkin and Christopher Lee co-star.

My Verdict : There is absolutely nothing I could say that would compare with just showing you a video of Christopher Lee singing about the glories of alcohol in a song written by Richard O'Brien of Rocky horror fame.

click on the amazing Christopher Lee to download the video.

Hal's trouble with space teens

2005-09-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

Found on the something awful forums

There are couple more funny ones here, if you can make it past the blind frat boy bigotry

Six-String Samurai

2005-09-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Staring :Jeffrey Falcon,Justin McGuire, and Stephane Gauger As Death

Writien by
Jeffrey Falcon
Lance Mungia

Directed by
Lance Mungia

IMDB Plot Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world where the Russians have taken over a nuked USA and Elvis is king of Lost Vegas, "Six-String Samurai" chronicles the tale of Buddy (Jeffrey Falcon), a hero who's a '50s rocker and wandering warrior rolled into one, too-cool package. Armed with his six-string in one hand and his sword in the other, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to succeed Elvis as King. Along the way, he saves an orphan (Justin McGuire) who decides to play tag-along to his rescuer. What follows is the road trip from hell.

My Opinion: Six-String Samurai sucks. it has a neat premise that absolutely fails in it's delivery. the acting is the equivalent of live action animie. it's gargantuanly awful. and the fucking kid in that movie.... if this was my child i would smother him in his sleep and then ask god what i did that angered him so. if i wanted to watch an annoying kid make random noises and generally make me uncomfortable I'd watch my old home movies. i honestly think that digging up buddy holly's bones and pissing on them is less disrespectful to him than this movie.

My Verdict: Fuck this movie, and fuck Rock & Roll for inspiring it.

Cock Soup

2005-09-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hallowed Be My Name

2005-09-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's a tradition in some villages in the Andes for most of the town, Men, women, and children as young as ten to wear celebratory head gear and beat the shit out of each other so viscously, that each year on average one person dies.

In Africa in a tribe, a young boy runs over the backs of five bulls as the young women in the tribe taunt a respected outsider to whip them so badly that it will leave scars for the rest of their life. In fact sometimes they have not been whipped enough so they wait until the next day and intimidate the outsider with AK 47's's and get whipped even more.

Even further proof of the harmful effect of violent video games.

News Flash! A female C.H.U.D. interviewed by Access Hollywood.

2005-09-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

A long winded comic book review.

2005-09-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

Green Lantern # 4 was pretty good.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-08-15T01:01:00.000-07:00

I'd call the story "The Mystery of Ernest Borgnine Mountain"

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-07-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

No Joke can be made here. All I can say, is that I've never needed to read a comic more in my life.

a fine film. even without a single C.H.U.D.

2005-07-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

Directed by
Marc Singer

IMDB Plot Summary: Near Penn Station, next to the Amtrak tracks, squatters have been living for years. Marc Singer goes underground to live with them, and films this "family." A dozen or so men and one woman talk about their lives: horrors of childhood, jail time, losing children, being coke-heads. They scavenge, they've built themselves sturdy one-room shacks; they have pets, cook, chat, argue, give each other haircuts. A bucket is their toilet. Leaky overhead pipes are a source of water for showers. They live in virtual darkness. During the filming, Amtrak gives a 30-day eviction notice.

so when i rented this film, i thought the director was the man who played Beastmaster. and my biggest memory of homeless people living in tunnels comes from he movie C. H. U. D. so i rented the film on the basis that i expected to be watching a movie about C.H.U.D.s directed by Beastmaster. or i rented it on the novelty of that idea. i was very moved by this film. one of the things that this film starts out with is one of the men climbing into the tunnels with his voice dubbed over saying ".. you'd be surprised what the mind can adjust to." and you can see it. despite having electricity and a sense of community, a human can't live like that and be happy. this movie does a great job of making you care for these people, even those who it may be difficult to. it also shows how they live and how happy they can be for something that a person in a different situation would take for granted. it has desperation and hope in equal measure. One thing I was very impressed by, was not only how talented the director was, but how much of a wonderful decent person he was. The director lived in the tunnel while filming this, sometimes by choice and others out of necessity of financing the film. Other directors would easily have put themselves into the film, his involvement is non existent in the story of the film itself, but in the extras you find that he promised he'd help get those people out of the tunnels and into apartments and he did. Singer is as humble as he is decent.

My Verdict: Dark Days is a wonderful film that is not only thought provoking and entertaining, but also a film that gives me a little more pride in humanity. Not bad for a flick I thought was directed by Beastmaster.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-07-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

The alternate story for this cover was "The Bestial flatulence of Right Hook Larry"

And I crown you, King Savini The First.

2005-07-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Staring : Ed Harris , Gary Lahti , Amy Ingersoll, Brother Blue, Ken Foree , Scott H. Reiniger, And Tom Savini.

Written & Directed by George A. Romero

IMDB Plot Summary : A traveling troupe of jousters and performers are slowly cracking under the pressure of hick cops, financial troubles and their failure to live up to their own ideals. The group's leader, King Billy, is increasingly unable to maintain his warrior's rule while the Black Knight is being tempted away to LA and stardom, as they all have to ask why they were here in the first place.

Tagline: The Games...The Romance...The Spirit...Camelot is a state of mind.

This movie.... I don't understand it. That doesn't make me love it any less. This film doesn't do a very good job of helping the audience understand what the Knightriders world really is. Now, at some points it seems like they are just doing a renaissance/carnival type deal and that's all it is, and others it seems like they have formed a new society and are fighting against the system. One thing I like about George Romeo is that he's a liberal. But he's better than just that, he's a working class liberal. You can see his politics in many of his films. In this film you see his opinions of greed, the corporate world, acceptance of homosexuality, and his dislike of intellectuals. He doesn't need to put these opinions in a film that has to be taken seriously. No, he doesn't mind putting these thoughts in films with zombies, or in this case, a motorcycle Camelot. Another interesting thing about this film was the fact, that it is almost the bridge between Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead, and even the Night of the Living Dead remake, because he uses so many of the same actors that this film was filled with familiar faces. The plot doesn't make much sense, and a good part of the time you think Ed Harris is going insane. Half of the time I was asking myself what the fuck this movie meant, I don't have an answer for that, but I know what it meant to me.

My Verdict: while confusing, this movie deals with important subjects. Motorcycles, Jousting, Loyalty, Coming to terms with your sexuality, Motorcycles, Honor, Carnie royalty, and Motorcycles. Camelot is a state of mind and it's of the 101 near the sewage treatment plant.

The return of the original What I think when I see comic book covers... Accept no substitutes

2005-06-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hawkman is left to be eaten by sharks by deep sea centaurs? Never trust a man who is part horse and lives under water, that's what my grandpa always told me.

A quick thought.

2005-06-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

Is Vigilante DC's Moon Knight?

random shit.

2005-06-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

I Must see this film.

If you ever wanted to see what i look like, here's your chance

I watched the Romero zombie trilogy over the weekend and I'm damn ready to see Land of the Dead tonight.

I recommend a viewing of The Origins of AIDS. in this movie, they claim that AIDS started by a mass vaccination of an experimental polio vaccine in the Congo in the late fifties. If that's true, you can blame one man for AIDS. That's fucking nuts.

Why didn't anyone tell me that Lewis Black was in Jacob's Ladder?

My brother and I have come up with the ultimate gentleman's past time. Classy Poker. Just picture a group of well to do men playing poker (women are allowed join but only upon confirmation of written permission from her husband or father ). These men would wear top hats and smoke pipes while classical music plays in the background. And when you display your cards it is done with respect. And each move is refined and elegant. if a player is accused of cheating, he must mount his pure bred steed and defend himself from such accusations in a joust. If the proper equines cannot be obtained then a pistol duel at dawn will suffice. Maybe this is the way poker was once played, but it isn't anymore. We wish it to return to it's more civilized roots.

My blog is a little over a year old.

WEREWOLF VS. SHARK

2005-06-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons God gave us eyes.

ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape

2005-05-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape abe ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape

Madness

2005-05-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

kirk and spock 9/11

2005-05-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-05-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

The other title for the story was "Beware the outhouse of terror!"

Honest opinions, even if you don't like them.

2005-04-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

It's worth a thousand rapes of Sue Dibny to have the return of Detective Chimp.

Can I not see Hush in a Batman comic every god damned month? There is no need for a new Azrael.

If the death of Blue Beetle makes you truly angry, than you've got some serious emotional problems. Hal Jordan is probably my favorite hero. When he went nuts, I didn't cry or demand a change in the editorial department, I read other comic books. If there is one group with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, it most certainly is comic book fans.

The power and the glory that is The Carradine

2005-04-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

Staring : David Carradine,Luke Askew,Anthony De Longis, and Maria Socas.

Directed by
John C. Broderick

IMDB Plot Summary : The mighty warrior, Kain, crosses the barren wastelands of the planet Ura, where two arch enemies, Zeg and the evil degenerate Balcaz, fight incessantly for control of the village's only well. Kain sees his opportunity and announces that his sword is for hire...But his eyes stay clearly on the beautiful captive sorceress Naja, and his newly awakened purpose.

This is not a good film, but it is a great one. So this is a sword and sorcery piece. But it's even more than that. Just imagine Yojimbo but with David Carradine and lizard people. It's a bizarre film. If you've seen Youjimbo or the western adaptation A Fistful of Dollars then you've seen this. The main difference is that this movie has a lizard man. A terrifying little creature that is both counsel to the obese Balcaz and I think, his vaguely implied sexual partner. This movie also has an abundance of nude women. There is an orgy, of course, but it seems a good number of the town women were given outfits that would move out of place and expose their breast if they moved in the slightest. That not even counting the Four breasted topless dancer that attempts to kill The Carradine. Oh and then there is Maria Socas. She is topless throughout the whole movie. I guess she's supposed to be the Sorceress but she shows little magical ability, unless showing your tits is some sort of witchcraft that I didn't know about. This is all well and good. But the reason anybody would rent this movie is David Carradine. And I can honestly say that I am addicted to seeing that man sword fight on film. Thanks to the wonder of Netflix, I should be able to keep from going into withdrawals.

My Verdict: It's a David Carradine sword and sorcery adaptation of Yojimbo, with topless women and a lizard man. Rent the God damned movie already.

I found this disturbing little gem while looking for the rest of the micros for the greatest heroes post.

2005-04-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Random comic book thoughts.

2005-04-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

I like green lantern:rebirth. Hal Jordan is my favorite green lantern, but I also have every appearance of Kyle Rayner. so let's not assume that every person that is liking rebirth is a member of some retarded fan club.

Why did 9/11 have such a big effect on the marvel universe? considering how many superheroes and villains that live in Manhattan alone, the daily body count must be at least five hundred. let's take the ten people that Omega Red kills every time he appears and then most likely on the same day Terrax kills about twenty or thirty. that's not even counting Venom, Carnage, or a heavy hitter like Magneto. The death toll for a month must be in the tens of thousands. So I don't get the impact on the characters, unless of course it was all a gimmick to tie into a tragedy.

Is it wrong that I might buy every variant cover of the new Friday The 13th comic book?

Mark Millar's Spider-Man was such a let down. The story would have been so much better if the villain behind the story was the Spider-Clone. it would have taken balls to bring back the clone knowing how it would piss off a good number of the fans. at least DC is Correcting the mistake they made with the Batman Hush storyline.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-04-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

I hope that'll teach you, Batman. Stay away from gargantuan hobos.

Three thousand guitars they seem to cry, My ears will melt, and then my eyes.

2005-04-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm going to rent Humanoids from the Deep from netflix, it'll be the second time I've watched it. Because, like I said to my brother, "sometimes I feel like watching an Indian fight sea beasts."

I'm listening to the new queens of the stone age CD. It's pretty good. I'm comparing it to the last two albums, and that might be too harsh a comparison. If I compare it to what passes for rock these days, it's a fucking masterpiece. But songs like "burn the witch" and "long slow goodbye" are just fucking awesome. I don't know what that Sara Silverman video that comes with the bonus cd was all about.

I seem to only have interest in sports that begin the letter 'B'. ( yes, that does include bum fighting)

I have a friend named Doug, he has a thing for chubby Mexican girls and Captain Morgan's spiced rum. He also enjoys long nights of playing mortal kombat and reading Maya Angelou poetry. Doug is a man of extremes.

Jack Handy - "When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."

If there's a better fight scene than the one in They Live, I have yet to see it.

a motto that I wish to live by - "For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. This you can trust."

Because John Lennon is my idol, i feel the need to paraphrase him.

2005-04-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

"Star Trek 3 is bigger than Jesus."

Tales Of The Colossal

2005-03-31T16:32:00.000-08:00

I was just kicking it at home last night when a sudden loud knock on the front door startled me. I slowly crept to the door, looking out I couldn't see anything. Just the fog rolling in from where ever it rolls from. I turn around and head towards the couch when,

*knock knock knock *

I turn around and I see the single most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life. Louie Anderson with red eyes and blood pouring from his mouth.

"Cooorey..." He called in that scratchy, high pitched voice of his. "we've come to take you home now."

I had finally been able to get a hold of my fear when I asked, "H-Home? I'm already at home, Mr. A-Anderson." He didn't respond. He just stared at me through my door. Then came the most awful sound.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

and with that Louie Anderson had just phased through my door and was now in my house.

"This be not your home, boy. This is just a place of broken dreams. Our home..... Our home lays beneath realm of time and space. Where flesh is but a doorway to the eternal promise " He said with vacant, lifeless eyes.

"W-What do you mean, OUR home?" he started to float to me after I asked him that.

"We are the eternal void, We are the explorers of crimson paradise, We are the voices that haunt your nights, We are the last sounds of drowning infant, We are FOREVER!"and with that, he started to put his hands around my head. His body began to gyrate and his eyes rolled back in his skull. I tried to raise my hands to fight it off, but my body wouldn't respond. In a split second, my eyes saw only a white haze and then I experienced a flood of colors and sounds that I don't think any human has ever witnessed before.

The next thing I know I'm awake in my bed. I go about my life the way I did before. But I have to ask myself, is this the real world or just some illusion that has been created by Louie Anderson to drain me of my brain juice? For my own sanity, I hope I never find out.

The Greatest Heroes Of All Time.

2005-03-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

This is why I have one of the best blogs out there...

2005-03-23T01:28:00.000-08:00

So many go on and on about random things and never get to the heart of the matter. Never really reach the people. I'm going to right now.

I give you...

Werewolf Fireman.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-03-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

This is why he's Superman. It's not the powers, it's the pure balls it takes to get onto a space ship with that thing.

Some Random Thoughts.

2005-03-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Where the fuck is my Night Court dvd set?

There's nothing quite like driving around and listening to The Who and then coming home and remembering that you forgot to shut off the TV and hearing the words "...And this is the life story of Herve Villechaize."

Say "Ned Beatty Loves Dead Babies" three times fast. It's not really a tongue twister but it's fun to say.

I love Gatorade. It gives me strength after working out. Much like the blood of a deer for the ancient hunter who has just caught his prey.

i watched the kill bill movies. and I've come to an understanding of Quentin Tarantino. he is the film equivalent of a sampler. a good example is in kill bill there's a guy saying "my name's buck and i wanna fuck" that's from another movie called "Eaten Alive" where the line was said by Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund. i've also heard that other scenes in other movies have been lifted, but since i don't know, i can't say for sure. Quentin Tarantino combines things other people have done into something else. now, I'll say he has talent, but the same way someone who makes a great mix tape has talent. it's being able to use someone else's expression to say what you want. that being said, i enjoy most of his films, but that's because I'm resigned to the fact that the odds of finding something truly original are about the same of finding a winning lotto ticket up my ass.

if you type Captain Corey on a google image search, this is the best of what you'll find,

Vincent Price with a mohawk.

Vincent Price fighting soap scum.

A mutant baby bear

And Hitler a Go-Go.

i think my brain is well represented online.

Werewolf Coke Enablers

2005-03-18T14:32:00.000-08:00

Staring: Jorge Rivero,Andrea Occhipinti,and Conrado San Martín

Directed by
Lucio Fulci

IMDB Plot Outline: A young man, armed with a magical bow and arrows, embarks on a mystical journey through a mystical land to rid it of all evil and joins forces with an outlaw to take down an evil witch bent on claiming the magic bow for evil.

I watched this movie on the same night as Hard Rock Zombies. These would be two movies that had to have been made on the premise of fucking with your mind. it starts out as a normal sword and sorcery movie, like one of the many that populated theaters in the early 80's. boy gets bow and arrow from old wizard. you know, the usual. the point when you realize this is an Italian movie is when you see the main villain of the film, she wears nothing but a spiked thong and a golden mask that is very much like the one worn by Destro from the G.I. Joe cartoon. and naturally she has her werewolf servants feed her a powder drug that give her visions of the future. or as i like to call it, prophecy cocaine. so then they introduce the main hero, called mace. he meets the kid with the bow and arrow and teaches him the way of the world. his weapons are nunchucks and he uses them to confuse and scare away creatures like bats and snakes. he has an unusual belief, he will not kill animals. so he only eats animals that have been killed by others. and usually kills the hunters to get the food. perfectly moral. there are many creatures for mace to kill, most of which are werewolves and one that creeped me out in particular, some sort of man things made out of cobwebs with cat eyes. they had a habit of screeching while on screen so i was always happy to see them die. and something else, this director has had zombies in every film of his that I've seen. he has one that's a motorcycle movie in the future, I'm willing to put money down that there are zombies in that too. so the kid mace was with dies, and his spirit tells mace to anoint himself with the ash of his friends former body so he can use the bow and arrow. but the kid doesn't die unill his head is stabbed. because his soul is in skull. OK, i can handle that. but not more then five minutes later he picks up rocks, leaves and rope and makes an explosive. i mean it. that's all there is. and it explodes. then mace gets captured and crucified but then is knocked over into the ocean and then saved by dolphins. he finally catches up with the destro lady. who is just as nude and into coke as when we first saw her, mace shoots off her mask and we find that she's a zombie. and least in the face. he kills her and walks off into the sun set.

my verdict: I really don't know. It was awful, but at the same time it had werewolves feeding a woman prophecy cocaine. I'm very torn. you'll have to make up your own mind.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-03-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

I guess game shows were kick ass back in the day.

I cannot think of the words....

2005-03-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Staring: E.J. Curse,Jennifer Coe, Lisa Toothman, and Phil Fondacaro.

Directed by
Krishna Shah

IMDB Plot Summary:A hard rock band travels to the tiny and remote town of Grand Guignol to perform. Peopled by hicks, rubes, werewolves, murderous dwarves, sex perverts, and Hitler, the town is a strange place but that doesn't stop the band's lead singer from falling in love with a local girl named Cassie. After Nazi sex perverts kill the band to satisfy their lusts, Cassie calls the rockers back from the grave to save her, the town, and maybe the world.

Tagline: You can't keep a good band down!

There is no human language that exists now or that ever did exist that could properly describe this film. So rather than make an attempt to describe it, I'll just mention a few of the things I saw and you'll have to decide weather or not it's worth watching after you talk to your friends, your family, and your God.

A Werewolf Eva Braun howling to the daylight.

Eva Braun and Hitler having sex while their dwarf grandchildren (one of whom is incredibly deformed) are watching on.

Not a bit of hard rock in all of the movie.

A hard rock singer singing a love song to an underage girl while he's in jail.

At least three entirely unneeded music videos.

No lighting, so whenever it's dark you can't see a thing.

Adolph Hitler screaming towards the sky over the body of Eva.

Zombie gang rape rituals.

A simple bass guitar riff that any beginner could have accidentally played, brings the dead back to life.

The deformed dwarf grandchild of Hitler devouring himself with a knife and fork.

The director's named being spelled differently from the directors to the writing credits.

All the evil non hard rocking zombies gassed in Hitler's basement (quite possibly one of the most offensive things I've ever seen, and I'm very hard to offend).

My Verdict: I'm not a religious man....But I do feel I have sinned, and that God is punishing me for them. What other explanation would there be for such a film existence and my viewing of it?

Random Stuff

2005-03-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

That Quentin Tarantino / Friday the 13th rumor is really getting nuts, I saw it on a crawl at the bottom of the screen while watching Howard Stern. I'm not always a fan of Quentin Tarantino's work and there's the fact I think he's an asshole, but this has got to be pretty good. It takes effort to fuck up a slasher movie. But I feel safe in the knowledge, that if it's bad, it could never be as bad as Jason X.

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Tim Robbins finest work to date.

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So this is on my TV right now

Ring of Darkness
Staring - Adrienne Barbeau

The dish info on it:

"An unwitting singer joins a boy band in which the members are really zombies in disguise."

And I just got Hard Rock Zombies in from netflix. That should be interesting.

I wonder if there are other zombie / musical group movies out there? Come on, a zombie rap group? There's totally got to be a movie like that. If there are more flicks like that, I need to see them all.

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The best album cover I've ever seen. And the website where it came from.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-03-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

See, this is why I have nothing but respect for pilots. it takes balls to face things like that.

Wha? Huh?

2005-03-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

A Quentin Tarantino Friday the 13th movie?

EDIT : Debra Hill Passes Away.

Mr. Elwes, I preferred Men In Tights.

2005-03-07T15:08:00.000-08:00

Staring : Cary Elwes, Leigh Whannell , Monica Potter Dina Meyer, and Danny Glover.

Directed by
James Wan

IMDB Plot Outline: With a dead body laying between them, two men (Whannell and Elwes) wake up in the secure lair of a serial killer who's been nicknamed "Jigsaw" by the police because of his unusual calling card.

Tagline: Every piece has a puzzle.

Ok, I liked this movie until about half way through it. It's really amazing. I was thinking this was an interesting premise and some decent acting. But all of a sudden it was like the movie had hit some invisible limit and both the acting and the dialog went to hell. Plus there's the fact that I don't buy the ending for a minute. The dead guy? Come on. Now before someone says, "you buy the ending to Friday the 13th, When obviously most of those killings couldn't have been done by an elderly woman, plus they showed the killer's hands and they were obviously the hands of a man." There is a difference. Friday the 13th didn't take itself seriously. Saw wanted to be taken seriously. Pal Tom said something similar, but used the film Jason X as an example, And that is something I can't condone. I can forgive a film quite a lot, if there is a bit of tongue in cheek attitude. But this wanted to be a "Psychological Thriller" which in Hollywood, more often than not, it means it's being pretentious and not wanting to call the movie a horror. But back to the acting, I literally cringed when Cary Elwes was crying while talking to his wife and daughter the acting was so bad. But the thing is, less than twenty minutes before, I thought his acting was decent. I don't get it. It's rare for me to see such an intense drop off of quality. While the whole sawing off of the limb scene was nasty, I still think the scene in Evil Dead II was more intense. All I can say about this movie is that it had an interesting premise but it failed in the delivery.

My verdict, if you can handle disappointment, you'll be fine with this movie

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-03-03T17:56:00.000-08:00

Let's forget the fact of what kind of sick bastard straps bombs to a gorilla for a second, Batman is holding up a fucking gorilla!

oh and "Batman Battles The Living Beast Bomb" is one hell of a title.

The Andy Kaufman / Alien Jesus Powers movie we've all been waiting for.

2005-03-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

Staring : Tony Lo Bianco,Deborah Raffin,Sandy Dennis,Richard Lynch, and Andy Kaufman.

Written & Directed by Larry Cohen

IMDB Plot Summary: A rash of mass murders in NYC has the detective stumped. When asked why, all the perpetrators say "God told me to," then kill themselves.

Tagline: Conceived In A HELL Beyond Our GALAXY Destined To Rule Our World!

Thanks to my good buddy Dorian, for giving me this movie.

This movie is a bit disorienting. It starts off as what seems like regular New York cop drama. It starts off with a sniper shooting from a water tower. The main cop named peter, climbs up to he tower to try to talk to the sniper and asks him why he did and the sniper said "god told me to..." Then he jumps off the water tower to his death. A few more killings happen around Manhattan Island, all with the killers saying before they kill themselves or are killed by the police, "god told me to…" but one of the best scenes comes when Andy Kaufman as policeman on parade on saint Patrick day's. he pulls out gun and shoots an aid of the mayors and about five or six cops. After this is where the movie goes nuts. Peter starts looking into the history of the killers, and it leads to a mysterious blonde man who is a descendent of Jesus who was also apparently an immaculate conception. Then that leads him to start searching into his birth, he was a orphan and he finds his birth mother and she was abducted by aliens and artificially inseminated. Then for no reason at all, the cop uses his new found God powers, to cause the murder of at least three pimps. And he meets the other alien messiah and he shows him his alien vagina and offers it to peter so they can have a child and spawn a new race on earth, this leads to a fight and a peter burns down the building that there and barely gets away. As he walks into a court room in handcuffs, a reporter asks him why he murdered the man, and he says, of course, " god told me to.."

This movie really confused the hell out of me. I thought it was going one way and it would turn and tell me, "No, dumbass, this movie doesn’t need to make sense, it has alien Jesus descendents and Andy Kauffman."

My Verdict : it's fucking weird. if you like that, than you'll have no problems with this. plus, you can't go wrong with Andy Kauffman going nuts and shooting people. it's worth a view.

Well, from the title, I didn't expect Italian porn. I guess in the long run, I shouldn't be surprised.

2005-03-01T13:59:00.000-08:00

Staring : Erika Blanc ,Jean Servais, Ivana Novak, and Daniel Emilfork

Directed by
Jean Brismee

IMDB Plot Outline: Six of seven tourists in an east European castle overnight are victims of a helper of the devil. Is Satan willing to spare their souls?

I wanna thank pal Tom for giving me this movie to review.

OK, so before the movie even started, there was this weird intro done by Redemption video, and it's essentially this elvira like woman talking about the evils of cannibalism while two topless girls eat raw meat. The movie has nothing to do with cannibalism. Then the movie started, the first thing you see is world war two stock footage, then you have a Nazi's waiting for his wife to give birth. He asks the midwife if the child is a boy or a girl, paying little attention that his wife just died from childbirth. The midwife says it's a girl. The Nazi tells her to leave and then stabs his new born baby. I can tell you this right now, I have never seen anything more evil than a Nazi stabbing a baby. After this, I start to lose track of the film because it becomes so ungodly boring, that I was doing my best to stay awake. So I'll give you the basics, a group of people come to a haunted castle where there is lesbian sex and gruesome murder. The murder is inflicted by the succubus which is a different daughter from Nazi bloodline. She kills everyone except a priest who then offers his soul to Satan in their place. He does, and then to the priest it all seems like a dream, everyone but the priest leaves the castle in a bus, the bus then falls of a cliff and explodes and kills everyone on it. And then the movie ends. My guess is that the point to the movie was, you can't escape Satan. That and lesbian sex is hot.

My Verdict: you do not need to see this movie. In fact, no one needs to see this movie.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

A massive ape fighting a pterodactyl, and in the middle, a robot soldier.

If anybody wonders why I love dc comics, it's all right there.

He Wendt before his time.

2005-02-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

Staring: Chris McKenna,Kari Wuhrer,Daniel Baldwin,Ron Livingston, and George Wendt.

Directed by Stuart Gordon

IMDB Plot Outline: A young drifter discovers his true calling.

This movie was made by the same production company as Vampires vs. Zombies. I can only assume that they make shit like that to pay for OK films like this one. It's not that great for a Stuart Gordon film, but probably the best film a number of these actors have been in. It deals with a young house painter (McKenna) getting a job offer from his coworker (Wendt) who also sometimes works for a mob boss (Baldwin). The mob boss offers the kid money to watch a local city council member (Livingston). While watching him, the kid gets a crush on his wife(Wuhrer). After a week of this the mob boss drunkenly orders the kid to kill the council member. And this all leads to nudity, hallucinations, torture, and mass murder.

There are a couple of reasons to see this. But none will ever be as convincing as the severed head of George Wendt.

Some random crapola

2005-02-25T16:01:00.000-08:00

While flipping through the channels on the TV last night, I almost left it on and started watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. I want a hot poker to burn out the part of my brain that almost made me do that. Because I don't need that in me.

While watching Faust, I was just realizing how completely obsessive compulsive the dark powers of Satan are. How often do you hear that to summon the devil you have to walk past a church and then say his name five times. What the fuck is next? do I have to wash my hands twelve times too? I want dark powers, not OCD.

The other day I watched Dokken's dream warrior music video. I feel no shame in admitting that I got goose bumps at the point when Dokken was defeating the evil of Freddy Kruger through power of metal.

At last I have found a substitute for smoking that actually works. And that substitute is Tetris. Every time I wanna smoke, I play a game. it works. This will be the third time Nintendo has saved my life.

So Hunter S. Thompson killed himself. I'm gonna rent Where the Buffalo Roam and read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but that's all I'll eulogize a guy who blows his brains out for his son to find.

Quote Of The Year

2005-02-24T17:33:00.000-08:00

"Seriously, some of you are certifiably insane...."

Ethan Van Sciver on the usual retarded antics of some of the members of the John Byrne forum.

For those with strong stomachs, Here's the link.

For those who don't want to bother (and i don't blame you), it was in response to the fact that apparently, to quite a few people there, this comic book cover is homoerotic.

and my personal little imput :

I call bullshit on you, you pathetic, homophobic mother fuckers.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

Man... Krypton must have been a fucking terrifying place to live.

Why the fuck didn't anybody tell me this existed!?

2005-02-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

thank you, avatar.

2005-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time since this...

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

Allow me to introduce to you a new form of treatment. PUNCH THERAPY!

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-18T14:06:00.000-08:00

It makes me a little uncomfortable that superman is so distracted by underage hitchhikers. But then again, the kid is in the middle of nowhere.

Corey's Comic Critique

2005-02-17T16:52:00.000-08:00

Cable & Deadpool # 12 : I like this comic, God help me, but I do.

Tom Strong # 31 : this comic hasn't been the same without Alan Moore. I like character still so I'll stick around a little longer.

Human Target # 19 : what is it with DC putting out great books that nobody reads?

Ocean # 4 : I'm digging this. it's Warren Ellis so that's almost guarantied. oh and if this comic ever gets turned into a film, Inspector Kane must be played by Avery Brooks .

Ex-Machina # 8 : this is just solid all the way through. I'm with this comic for the long haul.

Switchblade Honey : the best thing I've read in a long time that's even remotely related to star trek (even if it's essentially making fun of it).

The Authority - Revolution # 5 : I'm not sure where this is going, but it's the most interesting the authority has been in a while.

Manhunter # 7 : Read this book. Don't make it another good DC comic that slips through the cracks.

Hawkman # 37 : I'm glad this book is still around. With katar hol in the next issue, it should be pretty interesting.

She - Hulk # 12 : the end of the first "season". I'll definitely be back the for the second.

Astonishing X-Men # 8 : the best x-men book out there right now. That's not saying much, but I'm still enjoying it.

Adventures of Superman # 637 : it's ok, but I don't think superman suits Rucka as well as Batman did. That being said, I do like it better than the Casey run, more feeling to it.

Teen Titans # 21 : I like the addition of the new speedy. I wonder when Doctor Light is gonna tell the kids what their mentor's have done? should be fun.

JLA Classified # 4 : oh man. Guy Gardner in a leisure suit. I think that's all I need to say about this.

Green Lantern - Rebirth # 4 : it's fan boy centric, but I'm still getting a kick out of it. I like having Hal Jordan back as a green lantern, but I hope by issue six we find Hal feasting on batman's brains like the zombie he is.

My Top Ten Random Thoughts

2005-02-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

1) I am really enjoying green lantern rebirth. But I'm not a member of HEAT, who would have thought?

2) If I ever become part of the royal family I wish to be known as the Duke of Pornography.

3) I am very close to the point of dropping all the spiderman books. after buying them for at least twelve years, that just blows.

4) All I need right now is a well done steak and a beer. And maybe for john candy to return from the grave.

5) I saw the video for Queens Of The Stone Age's "Little Sister". It's growing on me, but I don't know if it can measure up to the stuff from "Songs For The Deaf". it'll be good though.

6) A buddy of mine flew his plane over my house. That's just cool.

7) so the beatles are my favorite band, and i think the white album is their best album. so you would think that would be my favorite album. nope. how can it compare to This?

8) I think cinema will reach it's crescendo when we finally get the ultimate movie: James Bond Vs Dracula.

9) Never watch dracula 3000. Read that twenty times.

10) I have a deep need to know the percentage of people in America that drive in their underwear.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

i've got two for this:

And then they're gonna die!

&

"Testing". Is that what they called it back then?

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

Boy to cat mind transferal. Of course.

Corey's Comic Critique

2005-02-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

Demo # 3 : a great book. As realistic a characterization as you can get with people that get super powers. thanks to Dorian for pointing it out to me.

The Thunderbolts # 5 : silly marvel universe fun. why not?

Ultimate X - Men # 56 : I like that they are playing with the sexual ambiguity of colossus. Also mojo makes me sick in any universe.

The Walking Dead # 15 : I'm starting to feel like this book is spinning it's wheels. Even the shock ending isn't helping me keep interest.

Bloodhound# 8 : another good new Dcu character that didn't catch on with readers. I'll miss this comic.

Breach # 2: not bad, but it's not really grabbing me just yet. I'll give it a little bit longer.

Captain America # 3 : the best cap book in long time. Ed Brubaker is impressing me. this is the way Captain America should be written.

Aquaman # 27 : not much going on here. it's bubble gum, but it's a tasty bubble gum.

Punisher # 17 : it's ennis on punisher. It's good. I wonder what marvel is going to do when he finally decides he's done. My guess? Micro 2.0 .

Green Arrow # 47 : the art's not doing a lot for me, but it has the Duke of Oil, so it gets an A+. I don't understand people who have a problem with Mia being HIV positive. if you can't be socially conscious in green arrow, where can you?

The Ultimates 2 #3 : Mark Millar can only write one good book a month. this is it.

Young Avengers # 1: I was hesitant about this, but Mike told me it was all right, so I gave it a shot. It was alright. it shows a decent knowledge of the marvel universe and a competent ability to write an interesting story. I'll stick around for a little bit.

The Outsiders # 20 : The splash page of android/metamorpho clone sex was truly disgusting, so thumbs up on that.

The Incredible Hulk # 78 : no one can write the hulk like Peter David. I'm glad he's back.

Marvel Knights Spiderman # 11 : remember what I said about the Ultimates? still true.

Vimanarama #1: I have no Idea what's going on but I'm interested.

Majestic # 2 : I'm digging this more than the Joe Casey run. Maybe it's the fact that the team of Abnett and Lanning can keep the science in the story and also put in a little action.

Action Comics # 824 : it's OK but nothing to write home about.

JSA # 70 : I loves me the Per Degaton. There wasn't enough sand and sandman interaction for me, but it was still a good story.

JLA # 111 : the crime syndicate story line has been fun. It's been refreshing after the pain of the gods and the seventh circle story lines. It's been nice to look forward to reading jla again. add jla classified 1-3 and the jla line is doing damn good.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

Behind the scenes at dc comics if this were created by morons

The editor: oh man, we need a new superman comic.

The writer: I got it dude, my girlfriend portia is so mean sometimes, I was thinking like my girlfriend can take on superman or something.

The Editor: OK, but we need a hook. Maybe she could be an alien. No, we did that last week, how about a pirate?

The writer: oh yeah, that's great. Portia loves dogs too. we should put that in there. Maybe they'll shoot cosmic energy out of there mouths. That would rule.

The editor: that sounds good, I'll give it to Doug to do the art.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Not only does he displace billions of gallons of water in a vain homage to himself, he doesn't allow people to look at it? What a douche bag.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Now that's what i call Homoerotic!

Some changes going on around here.

2005-02-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

Since I don't have that lovable rapscallion Jason Voorhees on my banner anymore, I'm no longer a Hero To The Hydrocephalic. Just plain old Captain Corey.

Thanks to my brother Chad for all his Photoshop work.

I've also added some new folks to the living dead section, check them all out.

So fox is pulling a commercial during the super bowl that has Mickey Rooney's bare ass in it. God damn it. And here I thought I'd be done with the photomaipulations I've downloaded. looks like I'll have to pay for another year at rooneyslash.com.

After some searching online, i found my pal Mike's favorite movie of all time.

The Cats History Of Western Art.

Bloody - Disgusting has an interview with Sam Raimi when he speaks of both an Evil Dead 4 as well as a remake. i'm all about Evil Dead 4, but if the remake looks like some of the other films Sam has produced lately, I've got some reservations about it.

Fuck'd. a film by my favorite green lantern, Hal Jordan.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Mogo The Bat Ape..... This might be the best comic book cover ever.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-02-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

"And i did so without pants, such is the way of Vartox!"

A Yeti movie ....oh boy.

2005-02-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

Staring: Alan Brock, Jennifer Stock, Tawm Ellis , and Michael Harris.

Directed by
Michael Findlay

Tag Line : It walks. It stalks. It tears the shriek out of your throat.

Ok, I just want to say that this is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. There might be a few that are worse, but this is right up there. So it's a Yeti Movie. When I think about a movie about a yeti, it seems so wonderful, so enjoyable. But that is a fantasy that is not based in reality, because if there is a yeti and or sasquatch movie out there, odds are it's a piece of crap.

So the basic plot is two college professors take some of their students up to a cabin in the woods to see if they can find proof of the existence of yetis. At least 30 minutes of this film is barely audible conversations and pointless party scenes. Now, I can handle parties in a movies, but if characters are talking I think maybe they would let the audience in on it. But no, they would rather have a poor man's version of Question Mark and the Mysterians playing instead of dialog, part of me thinks that this is a good thing, because the acting in this film is worse than the worst Troma movie. Of this, I have no doubt. but still call me selfish, but I like a little exposition every now and then in a film, if I wanted to watch a half an hour of dancing, I'd walk to the salvation army and buy a copy of MTV's the grind. Then the music stops and we get the standard troubled person, warning the group that they are going to be doomed, I like to call this the Crazy Ralph Syndrome(or C.R.S. For Short). Apparently this man's best friend was killed by the yeti, so he comes to the party and bums everyone out then leaves. He gets home and for no reason, he cuts his girlfriends throat. Then to clean the blood off of himself he gets into a bathtub fully clothed and starts drinking a beer, but the girlfriend, who is a fucking navy seal apparently, crawls into the bathroom with a toaster and throws it into the bath tub and kills her boyfriend just before she dies herself. What does this mean? My guess, (since the film makers don't give you any sort of explanation) is that when you witness the yeti, it drives you mad. So the main characters all head up to the cabin and then comes even more endless music. But at least immediately after the song ends, we get introduced to a new character: Sitting Leaf -- the mute Indian who is neither mute nor Indian.

It was at this moment I had a horrific epiphany, this movie is not unique. there are dozens of films that are just like this. So after I grabbed a couple beers out of the fridge, I continued the film.

It was at this point we got our first couple of yeti kills out of the movie. I'm telling you, that yeti is hilarious. the yeti outfit is nothing but a white fur suit and wig, with fake teeth and lip stick. i would have laughed my ass of at it if the first half of the film hadn't sucked most of the human feeling out of me. so the main male and female characters (i apologize for not remembering their names, the brain power it would have taken to remember was used up trying to keep myself from shutting of the dvd player) saddened by the deaths of their friends, now decide it's a perfect time to start making out. while the wonderfully uncomfortable romance was happening, the two professors use the bodies of the other two dead kids as bait for the yeti. the main male character and the main female character leave the cabin and run into the woods, they become separated, and the girl comes back to the cabin, where she is stalked by the yeti, she locks herself into the bathroom where sitting leaf the false mute Indian, appears to be dead, then he looks at her and with tomahawk in hand is about to cleave her, she runs out of the room ends up in the living room, and sees the yeti and has a heart attack. the yeti bends down to look at her and then straightens up and takes off the mask as we find that the yeti has been one of the professors the whole time. next we see a number of cars parking in front of the cabin, and the main male character comes back to find a dinner party with the two professors as well as the dinner guests which is a multi national rainbow of races, he asks where his girlfriend is, and his told that the yeti is a tool to throw the authorities of their trail and that they are part of a satanic cannibal society. then they tell him that he's been eating humans the entire time at the cabin and he didn't know it, and that the girl was scared to death in accordance with their rules. then sitting leaf wheels the girlfriend out on a massive plater and the boyfriend goes nuts and tries to escape and is stabbed viciously eating utensils by everyone at the party, barely conscious he looks up at sitting leaf asks him if he likes light meat or dark meat. the end.

This film was insane. You'd probably be better off not watching it. But if you do, I suggest a liberal amount of any alcoholic beverage and a group of friends to watch it with, because you do not want to watch this film sober and alone.

The Power Of The Written Word

2005-01-30T03:10:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've been on adventures in Central Asia and have been crowned king of a small Mongolian village. I'm working on getting a book published about my story, I'll give you a gander at the table of contents.

Dr. Kong's Manual For Oriental Love

Foreword By Richard Moll

Chapter 1: Masterful Rough Handjobs.
Chapter 2: Egg Whites & Nipples.
Chapter 3: Faith No More & The Clitoris
Chapter 4: High-G Reach Arounds
Chapter 5: The London Philharmonic
Chapter 6: Nintendo Power Gloves & Lube
Chapter 7: Crack Whores & Their Beneficial Effect On The World Economy
Chapter 8: Phoebe Cates's Ass
Chapter 9: Reverse psychology & The Foreskin
Chapter 10: Eskimo Kisses In The Japanese Tea Garden
Chapter 11: Titties On Flame With Rock & Roll

I'm hearing things, and I don't want to jinx them, but I think it'll be published by LucasArts.

I tire of this society.

2005-01-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

I need to find a group of men and women who stalk beasts in the night, who wear paint to bring themselves into symmetry with the animal, who hunt down their food with a viciousness that is tempered by their humble pagan prayers. There would be no lies, because differences are solved on the field of battle. Where there aren't envious sycophants, vegans, christians, buddhists, muslims, and whatever other false belief that takes you away from the hunt and the sword. For the sword is life.

I heed your word oh mighty Beastmaster!

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

Well, duh!

And for your edification, I give you Ronnie James Dio.

2005-01-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

Alien cavemen are well known for their kleptomania. And for the men of their species to vaguely look like Ernest Borgnine.

It cuts like a knife, but it feels alright.

2005-01-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

Staring : Yuliya Vysotskaya, Sultan Islamov ,Stanislav Varkki, Marina Politsejmako , and Bryan Adams.

Written & Directed by Andrei Konchalovsky

IMDB Plot Summary: Psychiatric patients become entrenched in the Chechen War after the staff split to find them a safer hospital. Soldiers take over the asylum, and then, a young female patient (Vysotskaya) falls in love with soldier (Islamov), which leaves her imaginary boyfriend, Bryan Adams (playing himself), in a lurch. Based on a true story.

i saw the info for this on my satellite information and knew i had to watch it. even though it was really late. this film was a lot better than i expected. when you see Bryan Adams in a movie cast, you think twice about the quality of the movie. I have never seen a film that can go from cute to depressing and back again as many times as i did in House of Fools. this film goes many places, you are shown that madness can be adorable as well as terrifying. It also gives you feeling of how it is brother against brother when a society has a civil war. And of course, it shows you Bryan Adams. This is one of the better movies I have seen in quite a while. I highly recommend it.

It's got a death curse!

2005-01-12T01:02:00.000-08:00

So my computer has crashed two times in as many weeks. This has almost pushed me into a Ted Kaczynski mind set. But rather than bitch slap my computer and move to a log cabin in the woods, I'm just going to post less frequently for a little while. You will be forced to go one of the many other blogs that post comic book covers as well as one of the many sites that contain goofy horror movie reviews. But to ensure you stick around, I'll leave you with one of the few things I was lucky enough to save before my PC went kaput the first time.

A Ridiculous picture taken from my digital camera of Chewbacca's son Lumpy from the star wars holiday special.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-09T18:34:00.000-08:00

That's what happens when you alter a dog's genes. They become awesome and shoot fire from their mouths.

Wes, what goes on in that brain of yours?

2005-01-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Staring:Brandon Quintin Adams,Everett McGill,Wendy Robie,A.J. Langer, and Ving Rhames.

Written and Directed by
Wes Craven

IMDB Plot Outline: Juvenile burglars break into a house occupied by a brother and sister and their inbred children.

Good Lord, Wes Craven is hit or miss. Everything I love and hate about the movie I can sum up with the ending. A house explodes with money flying everywhere, then a block party starts and mutants wander the streets.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

If you want me to buy a comic book, This is what you put on the cover. There is no thought involved, just instinct. I will give someone money to have that.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

GAAAAH!!!

Thank you, Pat O'Brien. For showing what a caring human you are.

2005-01-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

You know what I love? I love these tabloid TV shows like access Hollywood and the insider. I was flipping through the channels last night, and I came upon their special tsunami coverage. It seems like the most important thing that happened was a white super model survived while her boyfriend went missing. Forget the hundreds of thousands of lives lost, a beautiful white woman is grieving. And while showing the devastation, they were playing rave music. I call bullshit on you, tabloid "news". Fuck you and your cold fucking hearts.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2005-01-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

How are you supposed to be taken seriously as a gang if you dress like that? Even in a world with robin the boy wonder that outfit is ridiculous. Maybe it's like prison and you don't mess with the ones who are crazy.

They don't make movies like this anymore. Well, ok , they do. But they fail miserably.

2005-01-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

.

Staring: Candace Hilligoss,Frances Feist,Sidney Berger, and Stan Levitt.

Directed by
Herk Harvey

IMDB Plot Outline: After a traumatic accident, a woman becomes drawn to a mysterious abandoned carnival.

After being desensitized by blood and guts, it's nice to see a good old fashion horror movie. The best part of the movie is atmosphere but there are some genuinely creepy moments. It has a feeling of being much newer than a lot of the other horror movies of the time. It could be mainly because it takes place in this century rather than 18th century England. But I truly see this as one of the marking stones for which horror changed. The visuals from this movie must have influenced many other horror movies as well as punk rock bands. The Night Of The Living Dead no doubt was influenced by this. The wave of ghost stories over the last couple years have been all right, but it just goes to show that a low budget movie made in 1962 seems more relevant than any Japanese film remade with a big budget by Hollywood.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2004-12-29T14:08:00.000-08:00

Now you can tell me aquaman is lame, but I think he's badass. You have to be a badass to take on something like that. Because seriously, what the fuck is that?

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2004-12-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be honest with you folks. If that were me, I'd shit my pants.

The Re-Animator Trilogy

2004-12-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Bruce Abbott,Barbara Crampton,David Gale, and Robert Sampson

Directed by
Stuart Gordon

IMDB Plot Outline: A dedicated student at a medical college and his girlfriend become involved in bizarre experiments centering around the re-animation of dead tissue when an odd new student arrives on campus.

The first film is a lovely piece of work. I'm not sure of the Lovecraft story it was based off of but I'll assume there was quite a bit of artistic license taken. Dr. Herbert West is a weird little man but you can't help but like him on some level. His partner is a bit of a bore but I think he was really only there as a reason for the girl in the movie to get naked. The decapitated head. What a lovely villain. I could talk about the oral sex scene but I'm sure that's been done to death. I will say that this was a fun movie despite the tremendous amount of zombie wang.

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Bruce Abbott,Claude Earl Jones,Fabiana Udenio, and David Gale.

Directed by
Brian Yuzna

IMDB Plot Outline: Doctors Herbert West and Dan Cain discover the secret to creating human life and proceed to create a perfect woman from dead tissue.

This was barely a film but rather a collection of funny and weird scenes. Rent this movie if only for the many experiments leg hand, the eye fingers. And other disgusting oddities. The two main doctors come back in this film as does the decapitated head of Dr. hill. The head gets bat wings. This is absolutely lovely. I can't tell you how terrified I'd be if a human head was flying towards me. But despite the bad parts (which were many) I still liked the movie.

Staring: Jeffrey Combs,Jason Barry,Elsa Pataky, and Simón Andreu.

Directed by
Brian Yuzna

IMDB Plot Summary:Everyone's favorite mad scientist Herbert West is currently in jail after having state's evidence turned against him by his former assistant, Dan Cain. While being led away, some re-agent falls from his pocket where it is picked up by a young man that was camping nearby. The young man find Herbert down in his jail cell and learns for himself just what the re-agent is capable of.

This was a nice try but it didn't really hit the mark. In some ways it's a better sequel than bride of re-animator and in other ways it's much worse. A flying head with bat wings I can handle. I don't like cocks that are bitten off the body and then starts fighting rats. But that didn't weigh that hard against this movie. It was mostly the acting. And this film was made in Spain, it really was terribly dubbed. There were parts where you could tell it was a particular actors actual voice and then when it went to voice over because the english was hard to understand. The film takes place in prison and that's nice and fine. But there were so many times I just slapped my hands against my head and wondered why I was watching it. But I have seen worse. Only rent this one if you are a re-animator junkie. And if you want to see the worst music video you'll probably ever see.

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

Some random thoughts and opinions

2004-12-23T04:44:00.000-08:00

I'm search result number 93 in a yahoo search for werewolf. What the hell, I'll take what I can get.

I bought the newest issue of Wizard for the info on the all-star Superman deal. Not only did the cover ink come off on my hands, I was reminded why I stopped buying that book in the first place. It just reminds me of a political magazine that claims to be impartial but so obviously chooses one side over the other. In this election, I choose the side that has Chubby Da Choona on the ballot.

I will change my name to Kirk Hercules become a world renown body builder who will punch any man in the face that is six inches shorter then me and then buy him a six-pack of Heineken.

I seriously need to stop reading US and people magazines while I'm taking a shower.

I fucking hate cigarettes but God damn do I love them.

You'd have to pay me to see this movie. And after watching the trailer for The Amityville Horror remake, and then looking on imdb, one question has come to my brain. Does this world need Michael Bay?

I seriously want a filet minion from this place called "Jocko's" about 30 minutes outside of Solvang. The place is a dive and filled with rednecks but it has the finest food I have ever eaten, the steak was so good that I forgot about the potato, and it fucking takes a lot to make an Irish man forget about a potato.

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2004-12-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

How about HE'S A FUCKING DOG! Sometimes dogs go ape shit when they see a 20 foot tall whatever the fuck that is.

Vampires, little monsters, and breasts.

2004-12-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

Staring: Anders Hove,Irina Movila,Michael Watson,Laura Tate,Michelle McBride, and Angus Scrimm.

Directed by
Ted Nicolaou

IMDB Plot Summary for
Subspecies
The evil vampire villain Radu returns to his hometown of Prejnar, after spending years in exile. He steals the precious blood stone which is said to be bleeding from all saints, from his father and kills him. Meanwhile two American schoolgirls teams up with a local girl for a work on Roumanian culture. Radu becomes attracted to them but runs into trouble when his brother Stephan helps the girls.

I dug this film. I liked it even more because it had Angus Scrimm aka the tall man from phantasm wearing a terrible wig and sucking blood from a stone. And Radu the vampire sure has some drooling problems. But I liked the idea of magic and patriarchy in the vampire world. Plus breaking your fingers off and creating ghouls from it is pretty neat as well. It was obvious they didn't have the biggest budget for the film but I think they did well with what they had. I'll most likely watch the sequels of this film, but I have doubts if they'll be any good. They went to four and it looks like by then they had the production quality of a sci-fi channel original movie made in 1997. But I'll say the first film is decent, and I'd recommend it if you are on a vampire kick.

Mutant Aqua Creatures.

2004-12-19T15:38:00.000-08:00

Staring:Peter Weller,Richard Crenna,Amanda Pays,Daniel Stern,Hector Elizondo, and Ernie Hudson.

Directed by
George P. Cosmatos.

IMDB Plot Summary: Underwater deep-sea miners encounter a Soviet wreck and bring back a dangerous cargo to their base on the ocean floor with horrifying results.

This is John Carpenter's The Thing, but under water. It's not as good as that film but has a higher star caliber cast. Peter Weller, I cannot get enough of this man, he's Robocop, and he's buckaroo banzai. So I'll like pretty much every movie he does, this was no exception. Richard Crenna, Daniel Stern, Hector Elizondo, and Ernie Hudson are also in the movie. I have the feeling that this movie was a group of executives saying, “why don't we make the thing, underwater, with a bigger budget, bigger stars, and give it a Hollywood ending?” Now, I don't think I'm judging the movie too harshly because I did enjoy it, how do you not enjoy Robocop and Winston of Ghostbusters. using chainsaws and flame-throwers against a mutant beast under the sea. If you want to see that, and you should want to see that, then rent this movie, but if you want to see a high quality version of this type of film, just watch The Thing again.

Don't mind this post, this is my attempt to become the number one google search for Werewolf.

2004-12-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

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if you see this to rent, hide it. the life you might be saving could be your own.

2004-12-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

Staring:Bonny Giroux,C.S. Munro,Maratama Carlson, Peter Ruginis, and
Brinke Stevens

Directed by
Vince D'Amato

Tagline: The battle between the living dead and the undead has begun!

Seriously, fuck this movie. Even nudity and gore couldn't save this piece of shit. The only good part was an old man called the general chopping off the head of a very sub par beauty queen and making a weird scream as he does it. There are barely any vampires vs. zombie scenes in the movie. I'm not even sure what characters were vampires most of the time. And in a fucking movie called vampires vs. zombies, I should fucking know. I want the time I spent watching that movie given back to me. Even if I spent the time with painful explosive diarrhea it would be better than watching that film. I can't talk about this. I still feel too violated.

The Cover of Green Lantern Rebirth # 6

2004-12-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

Finally... All the fans will be happy! Wait a second, I forgot what group I was talking about. Nevermind.

and for a little change of pace, here's a pitcutre of Ozzy Osbourne

2004-12-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

What I think when I see comic book covers...

2004-12-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

This is my kinda Batman. "Fuck all that detective stuff, Robin. Let's go fight a dragon!"

I just don't know

2004-12-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

Staring: Felix Ward,Maria Pechukas,Dan Scott and A.J. Lowenthal

Directed by
Eugenie Joseph
Thomas Doran (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")
Brendan Faulkner (footage from unfinished film "Twisted Souls")

IMDB Plot Summary:Taking a wrong turn, travelers find themselves trapped in a mysterious house. One horror after another threatens them as the sorcerer who lives within needs sacrifices to give eternal life to his beautiful bride.

Also Known As:
Twisted Souls (USA) (working title)

Oh boy, I should have known, three directors is a sure fire way of telling a movie is bad. And this film is a paradox if I've ever seen one. It has some of the most unique and interesting things I've seen in a film but it's packaged in the most boring piece of shit. You get, farting zombies, Asian women that turn into spiders, lizard monkey type things,an old wizard teaching his son the dark arts, and the one that got me the most a meowing cat boy with a hook for a hand. All of these things and I still fell asleep in the middle of it. How does such a thing happen? How do you show me things that by all rights should make me love a film, instead I can't keep my eyes open. I can only assume the creators tapped into that hidden formula that should never have been created. All I know is that while I will remember the things I saw in this movie for a long time, but I couldn't get the tape out of the VCR fast enough.